Random thoughts of the day

• ALL my work clothes are too big.  While this should be a cause for celebration, I'm angry and bitter because I cannot afford new ones.
• It has been one month since I've eaten fast food!  Does Subway count?
• I did not go to the gym last night.  So much for learning my lesson.
  

10 lbs down- Operation update

I am 10 lbs lighter.  BUT, I still have 10 more to go before we leave for Orlando on January 7th!  That's a little over a month, with major holidays thrown in there.  No holiday treats for me this year.

Thanksgiving was a rough day.  I ate and ate and ate.  I was not even hungry at dinner time and still managed to lick the plate clean.  I felt awful before, during and afterwards.  But when I feel guilty about my eating habits, I usually just eat more, it makes no sense.

This past week has been an intense battle, both physically and emotoinally.  I did not like how I was feeling in either realm and discomfort with my emotions would feed on the discomfort physically or vice versa.  Things were spiraling out of control.  Carbs seemed to be one answer and laziness was the other.

I am recovering this week and looking back on last week in horror and disgust.  But, awareness is 9/10 of the battle.  I.  Am.  Aware.  I do NOT want to be like that.  I did not like the way I felt then.  And I do not like the way I feel now (thinking about it).  I do not like that I have overcome so much and still sabatoge my progress.

I have got to make my health a priority and figure out how to fit the workouts into a routine; around practicum, babysitting and sleep.  I am having serious scheduling difficulties.  I need a decent amount of sleep, and therefore can not force myself up early in the morning to get the workout in before practicum.  And I leave practicum so late at night, that the gym is usually only open for an hour by the time I get there.  I am making excuses, not finding solutions.  Ugh!

I have got to take a long hard look at what I am going through and re-prioritize. 
Have you ever done a major life re-prioritizing?  Any tips?

Healthy enough to run an 8k

I had my annual physical this week.  And received all good news.  I've lost 10 lbs since my physical last year and have high cholesterol because my good cholesterol is through the roof high.  It's falsely elevated!

My weight this week has maintained itself at the mid 160's place, but I am still working.  I ran an 8k race this morning in 53:22 and I allowed the Pilot to whip me into shape at the gym on Friday.  I have also been incorporating more Yoga into my training plan.

Sidebar,  I'm so excited to have Biggest Loser back in my life!  It is so motivating!

I'm tired.  On a whim, the Pilot and I went out until 4am on Friday night, I babysit until 1am this morning and then woke up at 6:40 to leave for the race.  I keep having plans to work on practicum stuff and I have not done so all weekend.  And when I say I'm just gonna rest and relax I end up not doing that either.  My eyes are burning because I'm so tired!

I'm looking forward to ordering my pear and gorgonzola pizza from California Pizza Kitchen for dinner and eating my cookie jar blizzard for dessert.  I had alcohol on Friday night and now I'm ready for another 3 weeks without it.  And after a debilitating headache on Wednesday night I have decided to give up coffee for a little while again; back to green tea.  I confess, though, I might have to squeeze in a pumpkin spice latte here or there ;-)

I've had a couple of babysitting jobs for date nights which are barely holding me over financially.  However, tomorrow I have an interview for hopefully something a little bit more permenant.  I need/want the money to pay off my debt and then hopefuly pursue a new dream I've got cooking!

GO STEELERS!  The Pilot and I went to the embrassing Steelers vs. Bears game.  Obviously, we do not agree on who to root for.  I wish I could say the Steelers are looking better this week, but they really aren't.

I registered to run an 8k on Sunday! #win5000

Make a Proclamation and be entered to win $5,000 to pursue your dream! Enter daily and bring friends to increase your chances of winning. There are weekly prizes too. No purchase necessary.

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dropping weight

This morning I weighed:

It was the rocky road ice cream dessert I had yesterday ;-)

Yesterday was uneventful.  I had to have dinner provided for me while I was babysitting.  Luckily, Cindy had just made a HUGE batch of vegetarian soup.  It was very good and filling!  Unfortunately, I came home and snacked on a couple of things.

I'm feeling incredibly dehydrated, but the taste of water just is not cutting it right now.  I hate that!  I can proudly report, however, that I have not had a sip of alcohol in about three weeks!  Two weeks before the half I decided to stop until after the race, but I did not really miss it, I was not craving it, and it was not what I needed to celebrate my running success, so I still have not had any!

I finally forced myself to do my first "post-race-not-training-for-anything" weights workout.  I did 1 exercise (3 sets of 8) for each major muscle group.  I even managed to challenge myself a little bit, which included trying a dumbbell chest press with 25lbs (after 5, I couldn't do anymore and basically dropped the weight on my boob!). 

I was hoping the urge to run would strick me.  But it was just too hot in the gym to hop on the treadmill because it's game day and I had to work out in my Florida State gear (which is a pants outfit).  So basically I chose fashion over working out ;-)

We've got big black and gold plans for tomorrow!  I can't wait to tell you all about it.

Cindy can do it, So can I

I need to master this!  Congratulations to Cindy, who already has!

BIG changes

I was a very happy girl this morning!  This morning my post-run weight was:

On top of that spectacular weight, I ran 3 miles in 32:44!  My run on Tuesday was 34:10.  My after half-marathon goal is to really speed up my 5k times and these 2 runs make it look like I'm moving in the right direction.


How can I have an after half-marathon goal, you ask?  Well, because I completed my first half on Sunday!! 

This is my best friend and I after completing the run in 2:48:32.  It was her second half-marathon and she can run much faster than me, but she was by my side the whole time, cheering me on and we crossed the finish line together.  The Pilot finished in 1:41!!  We passed him during an out and back portion of the race and it gave me a smile for miles!

Hopefully, you've noticed the name change on the blog.  I realized if I wanted to increase readership, titling my blog "I don't know what I'm doing" probably was not the way to get people to stop by and check it out.  I am also really going to start chronicling on three major areas of my life.  First up, follow along as I finish up my masters degree and transition into the real world of therapy!  Second, continue to watch me run as a means to remain healthy.  I am also trying to lose weight but I do not know if this will turn into a daily food blog like so many of the blogs featured in my blog roll.  Lastly,  I will post (sometimes) about what is going on in my life as me and the Pilot rediscover our Catholic faith together.  RCIA anyone?

If you start to like what you see going on around here, please comment and spread my name throughout the blogworld!

name change help!

There are blogs I read daily because the authors of those blogs manage to post daily.  I want to do that!

Until, I can figure out a way to fit that into my schedule I'll leave you with a peek at what is keeping me so busy; Practicum.

I think I might have fixed my camera, so check back to see how Operation 2-0-rlando is going.

I want change the title of my blog.  It turns out do know what I am doing and I would like to convey that, so that people actually read the blog.  Any ideas?

let the cleverness ensue

Operation 2-0-rlando!!

Get it?! I have to lose two-oh (20) pounds to go to Orlando ;-) Clever?

This morning my weight was exactly the same as yesterdays! I am fine with that. After breakfast, lunch and a 5 mile run I had actually lost weight.

Today I weighed:
172.2

Dinner was yummy tacos cooked by my glorious boyfriend. Who, then, tried to deny me beer! It's lite beer- back off Pilot!

Motivation was tough to come by today. Being lazy just seems to be easier, you know? After going back and forth a million times about whether or not to run, I got my ass in gear and made a decision to just hop on the treadmill and do it. I told myself I would go until I could not anymore and ended up running 5 miles in 56:23! How is that for an amazing turn around?! I also did more ab work; 20 reps of each exercise.

I sold some clothes to Plato's Closet this week. On a positive note, I took the money to pay down my credit card debt, but I am kind of sad because I sold the dress I wore on my first date with the Pilot. He didn't even like it, but I'm sentimental and I feel like I shouldn't have gotten rid of it so hastily. Boo!

broken cameras & rain will not slow me down

I stepped on the scale this morning and my camera would NOT turn on! So now, I have to (gasp!) actually type this morning's weight. Which is fine because it is less than yesterdays ;-)

Today I weighed:
172.9!!!

I had to babysit all day today so I packed my Vera Bradley lunchbox to the brim with goodies. However, after a delayed train (due to inclement weather) put me behind schedule, I had to buy dinner. A sandwich from Corner Bakery won and I only ate half of it!

20 is my magic number; so this morning I did several different ab exercises at 2 sets of 20. I have got to find fun and interesting ways to keep my eyes on the prize. Incorporating the number 20, as much as possible, into everything I do is 1 way I intend to do that.

"In the distance the clanging electronic bell of the Fremont Bridge announced its impending ascension and Mira imagined the small blue expanse rising in the misty morning like a backhanded salute to Seattle's crazed morning commuters."
Chapter 18 of "Love and Biology at the Center of the Universe" contained this wonderfully written sentence and I wanted to share it; just 'cause.

20 lbs in 20 weeks

My crazy boyfriend is running the Goofy Challenge in Orlando next January. We have been planning a vacation to surround this adventure since this January. In a fit of hallucinations during a 20 mile run on Sunday the Pilot decided to strike me a deal-

Lose 20 pounds by the day we leave and he will fund the whole trip!!!

He got tired of hearing me complain about wanting to lose weight and doing nothing about it. Most recently, I've actually cried and called myself ugly, but continued to stuff my face with nachos!! He realized that nothing motivates more than money and voila!

I have 21 weeks from today to succeed.

Last night I weighed:

This morning I weighed:

What a difference 12 hours makes!

I'm watching my calories, but not denying myself anything. So far today I've had 1/4 cup of egg beaters, 4 slices of turkey bacon, Dannon yogurt mixed with fiber one cereal, a handful of almonds, 100 calorie bagel topped with hummus and cucumber slices, english muffin with whipped butter and a Kashi dark chocolate coconut bar. I'm stuffed! But looking forward to chili for dinner!

In addition to starting this challenge today I ran sprints and made it around the track once in 00:01:56!! I am ready to make some serious changes.

I'm hoping to win awesome goodies from I Run I sweat to help me along in this process!

Insomnia

Stress battles my body and always wins. If I am too stressed for too long, I get sick. Or I suffer from serious sleep disturbances.

My father lost his job on Friday and the first question the Pilot asked was, "Are you going to be able to sleep tonight?" Yesterday morning, I woke up slightly before my 5:30 alarm to a boyfriend saying, "I'm wide awake and I have watching you try to sleep for the last two hours."

He admitted that he had remained awake to stroke my back for an hour to keep me asleep. My restless sleep is, apparently, very loud. I toss and turn, grind my teeth and last night, I actually whimpered. My poor boyfriend!!

I turned my alarm off and skipped my last day of class, forgoing the points for a presentation due. I needed the sleep and after the decision was made the Pilot was finally able to sleep as well. I crawled out of bed at 10:30.

Now however, I can't sleep again! I'm hoping Tylenol PM is a miracle drug because the Pilot and I are in separate beds and there will be no back rubs or hands through my hair tonight. I am so blessed to have him my life.

I've caught a great guy, now if only I could catch some zzz's!

information overload & droopy eyes

I caved. I joined Twitter. More so for my own entertainment, than for the need to gather followers. On Friday night, I found myself carrying on internal dialogue in the form of tweets or Facebook status updates, so Saturday morning I joined, so I could stop talking to myself in fragmented sentences.

Staring at the computer screen to write papers, tweet or blog is making my eyes tired. But, even worse I am just physically and mentally exhausted. All. The. Time.

The Pilot says it is because of my new intense (half-marathon) training schedule. If that is the case, I am screwed. I am beginning to lose my energy to follow that. I am canceling plans with very understanding friends. I am crying over spilled milk. I am going to bed angry at the Pilot because he isn't tired and therefore I'm tossing and turning with the light on. I am over-scheduling and under-performing. I am guzzling coffee to the point of shaking. I feel like I cannot catch a break and get ahead. My to-do lists are enormous and continue to grow, despite successfully completing some tasks.

My emotional response to my move has been unexpected and overwhelming. Many issues are arising within me that warrant a, "I'll have to work on that," insight response. So add self-improvement to the to-do list.

All in all, I am tired of being tired.

New Digs. New Determination.

At the end of May my roommate and I packed up our "too small" apartment in "too far away" Lincoln Square and moved into a huge garden apartment in "trendy" Wicker Park. Three weeks later, I received a frantic phone call from my roommate, "the apartment is flooding."

So...I moved back in with my parents. For more reasons than a flooded, mold-growing apartment. But for reasons too personal to disclose here. The Pilot discussed the situation in eloquent fashion, "If not biblical, it's certainly literary. A flood. Then re-birth."

I'm adjusting to the new living situation, slowly. But the one thing keeping me sane is my determination to throw myself completely into my half marathon training. That's right, after one successful 8 mile run I decided I had enough distance behind me to spend the money and run 13.1 miles in September.

I have so many blog ideas running through my head. It is so hard to get them down as quickly as I think of them. I promise to write more regularly- especially to update on my half-marathon training progress.

Good luck out there ;-)
(That's an ode to Ben, btw)

"Speedracer"

Me holding up my 5K medal from a race in Champaign-Urbana. I finished in 34:39.

Running the Race to Wrigley; captured via my Dad's cell phone! Finished in 36:12.












Before the Walk to Empower/United 5K Breast Cancer Mother's Day event. Finished that race in my fastest time yet, 31:51!

Crying confession

The other night, I was visiting the Pilot's 3 month old niece, who spent the whole time in my arms crying. I've decided she doesn't like me, but other possibilities could be that she doesn't see me enough or that I'm too loud when I'm around her. None of that is important, however, compared to how I felt while I was watching her cry and trying my damnedest to comfort her.

I was overwhelmed with a feeling of jealousy! I want to be able to just sit and cry for endless minutes until someone comes and solves my problem.

I've been fighting intense emotions all week. Several times those emotions would spill out of my eyes and I barely let them flow (never for longer than 3 minutes). I would stop myself from letting the crying get out of control. And while the Pilot was fantastic at comforting me, there is no way he can just swoop in and solve my problem.

As an adult, I have always felt that sobbing is an inappropriate response to problems. Crying will not solve your problems. Intellectual reasoning ability will. I will allow myself cry, but only briefly and never the way a baby does. But I really want to.

I just want to be a kid again; cry carelessly, feel the warmth of the tears on my cheeks, receiving comforting hugs and not allow the waterworks to stop until it's all better. Being an adult presents all new problems, but some of them require just as many tears as childhood difficulties did.

I was jealous. Jealous of a 3 month old. I could feel in my bones how badly I wanted to let it out the way she was. Unfortunately, I still haven't.

My cinco de Mayo- no alcohol included

Yesterday was the kind of day that unfolded perfectly. And that was exactly what I needed after an extremely eventful and emotionally charged weekend.

• I woke up a little bit before my alarm and was able to roll over and cuddle with the Pilot for a couple special minutes.
• When my alarm finally went off, I was able to get out of bed well rested and actually ready to start the day.
• I was on time!!!
• I walked into the morning sunshine and warmth, wearing flip flops, over sized sunglasses and clutching a large cup of coffee.
• The girls I babysit for mistaking the Pink song that started playing on the radio for one performed by Hannah Montana or iCarly.
• My therapist miraculously having an appointment available for a much needed, emergency visit.
• The Pilot inviting me to spend the night with him.
• The Pilot getting off of work early.
• Taking advantage of the nice weather by grilling burgers and eating outside with the Pilot.
• Biggest Loser Tuesday
• Reading my unexpectedly enjoyable Chicken Soup for the Catholic Soul book.
• Skipping my run, just cuz!

Shamrock Shitshow

The weather yesterday morning for my first 8k race did not cooperate (in the opinion of this novice runner). The snow and ice started falling the night before. Then the weather forecaster mentioned that the windchill would be in the teens throughout much of the race due to the 20 mph winds!!

The winds, the cold temperature and the precipitation packed a 1, 2 (and 3) punch that I just could not handle. After much consideration, I made the difficult decision to stay home and not run my race. Then I reached a mental compromise. I would not run outside in the less than desirable conditions but the Pilot and I would trek to the gym and I would run the 4.97 miles on the treadmill. I finished my race in 59:35!

My gym has recently been asking members to reveal why they exercise. I came up with my reason this week; I exercise so I can drink Yuengling.

Yes, the picture you see is a glass cabinet in my kitchen filled with nothing but Yuengling. This delicious beer is only sold regionally and Chicago is not a region they disrupt too. Due to these unfortunate circumstances, every time I am in a place where this beer can be purchased I buy a couple of cases.

During a recent trip to Pittsburgh I bought 3 cases and came home to discover the only place I could store the bottles was on display in the cabinet. My roommate loved the idea and now all my beer drinking bliss can be seen by any guest that walks from the kitchen to the bathroom.

I can also officially say that I exercise to deserve every 150 calories found in that beer. Today marked the first day of a new training program crafted specially for me by the Pilot (complete with an excel spreadsheet and color-coded exercise groupings). In addition to running, this 12 week training program also includes weight training. I will be running 4 days a week and working with weights 3 days a week.

If I am successful, at the end of this 12 weeks I will be fully trained to run a half marathon (I have not registered yet, but I am still considering it) and my personal weight loss goal is to be 12 lbs lighter.

winning weight loss battles and the diet war

For Lent I gave up fried food.

I wanted my Lenten promise to be something health related because so much of my life is currently revolving around that topic anyways. I considered giving up fast food but then the fear of God struck me; would that include Subway?! Their $5 footlongs have been a diet and wallet savior the last month or so. Then the Pilot asked what my real food weakness was and I realized it was yummy food (loosely translated into fried food). I love greasy bar food, anything cutely named crispy, and french fries (preferably loaded with cheese and chili)!

So I made a commitment to degrease my insides. I just picture God unclogging my arteries (I do, after all, come from a long line of nightmarish genetics predisposing me to Heart Disease) as motivation to keep me going. Oh that and Jesus in a desert for 40 days and 40 nights!

This sacrifice has not been that hard to remain committed too, except this past Friday night. Trouble occurred while at the Foundry watching Florida State take on Wisconsin in their first March Madness appearance since the 80's.

Due to the March Madness madness the Foundry had compiled a smaller menu of things they were willing to make, with no additions, subtractions or substitutions. On the menu was all the usual bar food suspects, but my Lenten promise coupled with no-meat Fridays made choosing dinner incredibly difficult. Most of the fish options were fried (think fish n' chips), most of the appetizers were fried, and almost all of the main entrees were meat or chicken dishes. It came down to 2 options (that's all!), the tuna melt or caesar salad sans chicken.

I ordered the tuna melt and asked the waitress to remove the tomatoes and give me a side salad instead of homemade (fried) chips or fries. That is when I was informed of the no additions, subtractions of substitutions rule. I peeled off my own tomatoes and gave all the chips to the Pilot.

Questions came from the Pilot's friend, "Do you always eat this healthy?" I giggled and replied, rolling my eyes, "No way!" Although, I will admit it felt nice to be mistaken for a health freak. Nicer, though, than being believed to be a healthy person was my own sense of accomplishment for ordering a meatless, non-fried dish and asking for a side salad then NOT eating a single homemade chip when I was informed that a salad was not an option.

The even better news is that my Foundry experience was not the first diet and weight loss battle I won.

I quickly learned that I was going to be a person who needed to eat every few hours, even if I did not feel hungry because once the hungry did hit, I went immediately to starving (and that is when the cravings begin). One afternoon while babysitting I did not have my usual bag full of snacks and I could not find anything in the house that was calorie-friendly enough to eat. First mini-battle won; I did not give into my hunger and cravings by eating something unhealthy or loaded with empty calories. I found inner strength to wait until after babysitting to eat. However, as the minutes ticked by all I could think about was where I would stop on my way home to purchase dinner. Taco Bell sounded good, as did a double cheeseburger from McDonalds. Second mini-battle won; I ended up at the grocery store! I am still not consciously aware of how that decision came about but there I was and I went straight to the snack aisle and opened a 100 calorie pack of multi-grain wheat thin crisps (should have grabbed carrots instead, but I still consider it a win). They gave me the fuel I needed to plan a better alternative to a fast food meal. For dinner that night I made my own cheeseburger; english muffin, spicy mustard, boca burger, fat-free cheese and romaine lettuce with apple slices subbing for french fries.

I cooked breakfast for the Pilot and I yesterday morning. Multi-grain pancakes and a heaping fruit salad. I told him if he wanted bacon (more specifically turkey bacon) or eggs he was on his own, I would not be cooking those sort of things. I tried to eat the fruit salad first but the fear of cold pancakes consumed me and I drizzled on the syrup. Not the healthiest choice for breakfast and I think it doomed me for the rest of the day. I was hungry all day and did not have the strength to ignore my cravings. Third mini-battle won; while I ate a bagel with regular cream cheese in a crab craving binge I just said to myself it was one hiccup (not the end of the world) and I could start all over again today.

Which is exactly what I did. Fourth mini-battle won; my breakfast this morning was a cup of green tea, 1 serving of liquid egg substitute (prepared with butter flavored non-stick cooking spray), 1 cup of sauteed spinach (prepared the same way), 1 piece of 35 calorie wheat toast split down the middle (half covered in light whipped butter, half covered with peanut butter) and a juicy clementine. Total calories for breakfast? 181 and I am stuffed!

Fifth mini-battle won; I can run 6 miles the day after a night of large alcohol consumption! Saturday morning I woke up regretting my Miller Lites from the night before. Manageable calories but not so manageable alcohol intake! I chugged water, ate lots of carbs and I knew that running would push the headache out of my body for the remainder of the day. The Pilot came home from work and we set out to run 5 miles (the last long run in my training program before I run an 8k on Sunday). The Pilot sprinted out in front of me and was doing a leg work out (waiting for me) at the turnaround point. We began to run back the way we came. The Pilot sprinted off again and I glanced down at my watch. I could not believe I was running so slow! Then the thought hit me; I'm not running slow, the Pilot is torturing me! He met me close to the end and ran the last half mile with me, the whole time claiming it was only 5 miles. I made him map it again when we got home. "I lied to you," he said, "it was 5.9 miles." No anger here. I ran the whole thing! I ran 6 miles! And I burned 704 calories while doing it!

I am down 7 lbs now and seriously considering signing up for the Chicago half-marathon in September. After all, I can already run about half of it!

Have you turned a corner?

I think I have.

After running the Turkey Trot I took a break. A 10 week break. I kept setting goals and putting them off in an "I'll start my new training plan on Monday" fashion. I had many excuses and no real reason for taking the break. It happened and now it is over.

With the prompting of a few friends/colleagues I signed up for the Shamrock Shuffle; under the assumption that spending the money to register for a race would be the push I needed to start training again. It was and it was not.

I trained for the first 3 weeks half-heartedly and without fire and drive in my eyes (that according to the Pilot). I would skip cross training workouts and not stretch properly before and after runs. There were many psychological and emotional reasons for this lax approach to training (another blog will clarify those).

On Monday of week 4, I reached a tear-filled psychological breaking point complete with a phone call to my Dad claiming "I'm never gonna be able to do it" and yet another conversation with the Pilot, in which he told me I could do it and I argued the point. Then the change occurred.

Thanks to the Pilot's amazing internet searching abilities, I signed up for the Self.com 2009 Challenge. It is a free way to calculate caloric intake with a food diary and burned calories on the workout log. It also provided me with a manageable strength routine.

Since that day, I have counted my calories, cooked (yes cooked!) edible low calorie foods (thanks to The Hungry Girl), had 9 successful runs reaching a new distance of 4.3 miles, I am doing my strength and cross training workouts, bought 2 new pairs of running shoes, signed up for 2 more 5k races (Wrigley and Illinois) and lost 6 pounds!

Maybe turning a corner will result in more blog posts.