Thursday, August 14, 2008

Run Joanna Run

Most of you are aware of my single-minded sports obsession. Anyone, (me) who starts watching NASCAR races because they need something to fill their Sundays with after football season is over and stops watching them once baseball seasons begins, clearly has a "sports problem." However my need for mental stimulation via my visual intake of the sports programming has not translated into any physical capabilities (or desires really).

Because of the healthy competition, because I so admire The Pilot's dedication to and motivation for his marathon training, and because my father ended up in the hospital this week I decided to fully dedicate myself to a running plan The Pilot has shown me.

The running workout is structured as follows:
5 minutes warm-up
1 minute run fast pace
2 minutes run medium pace
1 minute run fast pace
2 minutes run medium pace
1 minute run fast pace
2 minutes run medium pace
5 minutes cool down

The first couple attempts at this "running thing" looked more like my miles did back in high school; a little bit of running and A LOT of walking. My medium runs were much more like power walking (or just walking. No running) and my 1 minute fast runs were probably a speed thought to be more appropriate for the medium runs. On Tuesday that all changed. After getting yet another, "your dad is in the hospital" phone call from my mother I found the motivation I really needed to get the ball rolling (haha- sports analogy).

During Tuesday's run I realized that I could actually run all 9 required running minutes! No medium pace equaling power walking. There were faster paces and slower paces but all 540 seconds were at running paces. Then today I decided to pay attention to the distance that I ran during those 9 minutes and it turns out I was able to actually run 3/4 of a mile! In high school, I couldn't even complete a 1/4 mile. It may seem small and insignificant to some of you but it's an amazing victory for me! And I want to go back and do it again!

I'm so excited about possibly establishing a running routine that I made playlists on my ipod! Each day that I am scheduled to run (Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday or Sunday) has it's own 19 minute playlist complete with warm-up and cool down songs. The songs played during my 9 minutes of running are upbeat songs sung by artists whose bodies I envy (Fergie, Madonna). A special note of thanks to GR for giving me that idea. But some of the songs also have a motivational quality to them. For example, today during my last 3 minute set I never thought I was gonna make it but then "Gotta Get Thru This" by Daniel Bedingfield came on. How appropriate! I got through it and now I'm here to brag!

My other appropriate reactions to my father's hospitalization was to choose to stop tanning indoors (I canceled my membership!), wear more SPF when I'm tanning outdoors and go see a Dermatologist at my earliest convenience.

I do want kids. And I want to be healthy for them. So that they won't have the constant fear of losing me that I am currently encased in regarding my dad.

Thanks for all your help AJR. Loke you.

Monday, August 4, 2008

grudge match

When I am wronged one of two things happens; I hold a grudge (forever) or I let it roll off my back. Recently, I've come to realized that the established pattern is, I hold grudges against women and look the other way when I am wronged by men.

My grudge-holding capabilities came up recently in a conversation with The Pilot because I'm finding myself still slightly angry at a friend for an occurrence over a month ago. The conversation started out calmly while I explained to him that I have been known to do this before; remain irrationally angry at someone for a long time. I gave my favorite grudge holding example. Soon he could literally see my blood pressure rising and my blood boiling over. He abruptly stopped the convo. I'm assuming he got my point.

My favorite grudge holding example:
Sophomore year of college I was in the ideal living situation. I was finally in an apartment where I got to choose my roommates (something that had not occurred the previous year). I was living with a close friend from "high school," GR, and a "co-worker." We were all getting along. We had decorated the common room and even spent time in it (together)!

Then winter break came. "Co-worker," GR and I returned from our various permanent residences to no "high school."

*Warning* What happens next may not be exactly accurate but it is how my angry little brain remembers it.

There is a knock at the door. Maybe it's "high school" with no keys? Nope. It's mutual friends from the apartment complex coming to commiserate because "high school" is moving out. This was of course the first I (or GR or "Co-worker") had heard of such a thing! The long and short of it is, "high school" never bothered to actually tell us she was leaving, I guess she felt that us hearing it from mutual friends was sufficient enough. I, however, do not believe it was sufficient and told her so in a very carefully worded and maybe slightly verbally abusive e-mail. She came to move her stuff out in the middle of the night (give or take 8 hours) and uttered 3 words to me (I was the only one not working) as she was walking out the door. I have not talked to her (nor do I ever plan to talk to her again) since! The end.

The night of the grudge conversation I had a string of various weirdly related dreams. The first dream included the embodiment of the first girl I ever held a grudge against; someone who I called a friend but was the "other women" during a Monkey cheating escapade (Sidebar; notice how I held a grudge (and continue to do so) against this girl but dated Monkey for another 6 months or so). The second dream included The Pilot's Ex; who I hold no grudge against and neither does he (by the way my characterization of her looked exactly like America Ferrera). In this dream The Pilot refused to let the Ex know about us and cast me aside during more than one scene in the dream.

Insecurities. That's what these two dreams have in common. I feel (felt) insecure about Monkey and The Pilot's relationships with these women and with me. So I've begun to wonder do grudges stem from insecurities? Or do insecurities stem from the anger fueling grudges?