Monday, August 4, 2008

grudge match

When I am wronged one of two things happens; I hold a grudge (forever) or I let it roll off my back. Recently, I've come to realized that the established pattern is, I hold grudges against women and look the other way when I am wronged by men.

My grudge-holding capabilities came up recently in a conversation with The Pilot because I'm finding myself still slightly angry at a friend for an occurrence over a month ago. The conversation started out calmly while I explained to him that I have been known to do this before; remain irrationally angry at someone for a long time. I gave my favorite grudge holding example. Soon he could literally see my blood pressure rising and my blood boiling over. He abruptly stopped the convo. I'm assuming he got my point.

My favorite grudge holding example:
Sophomore year of college I was in the ideal living situation. I was finally in an apartment where I got to choose my roommates (something that had not occurred the previous year). I was living with a close friend from "high school," GR, and a "co-worker." We were all getting along. We had decorated the common room and even spent time in it (together)!

Then winter break came. "Co-worker," GR and I returned from our various permanent residences to no "high school."

*Warning* What happens next may not be exactly accurate but it is how my angry little brain remembers it.

There is a knock at the door. Maybe it's "high school" with no keys? Nope. It's mutual friends from the apartment complex coming to commiserate because "high school" is moving out. This was of course the first I (or GR or "Co-worker") had heard of such a thing! The long and short of it is, "high school" never bothered to actually tell us she was leaving, I guess she felt that us hearing it from mutual friends was sufficient enough. I, however, do not believe it was sufficient and told her so in a very carefully worded and maybe slightly verbally abusive e-mail. She came to move her stuff out in the middle of the night (give or take 8 hours) and uttered 3 words to me (I was the only one not working) as she was walking out the door. I have not talked to her (nor do I ever plan to talk to her again) since! The end.

The night of the grudge conversation I had a string of various weirdly related dreams. The first dream included the embodiment of the first girl I ever held a grudge against; someone who I called a friend but was the "other women" during a Monkey cheating escapade (Sidebar; notice how I held a grudge (and continue to do so) against this girl but dated Monkey for another 6 months or so). The second dream included The Pilot's Ex; who I hold no grudge against and neither does he (by the way my characterization of her looked exactly like America Ferrera). In this dream The Pilot refused to let the Ex know about us and cast me aside during more than one scene in the dream.

Insecurities. That's what these two dreams have in common. I feel (felt) insecure about Monkey and The Pilot's relationships with these women and with me. So I've begun to wonder do grudges stem from insecurities? Or do insecurities stem from the anger fueling grudges?

1 comment:

GinaRose said...

OMG I love your favorite example! That was ridiculously rude of "high school" though...biznatch :) By the I can't believe I'm doing this. It's all your fault :) Now you can pester me as much as I pester you!