Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Psychological Geometry

Working with Relationship Triangles is the latest in a long line of textbooks that speak to me on a personal level. Drawing me in and intricately explaining every minute detail of my life; as if the book was written specifically for or about me.

Based on the Family theory presented by Murray Bowen triangles in relationships form "whenever tension exists in a dyad." Then "emotional forces begin to operate in a way that brings about a stabilizing relationship triangle."

Stop. Close your eyes and picture the triangles that exist in your life. They are easy to see once you understand the theory.

I am involved in several triangles but the most recent and prominently displayed one would be the one that exists between me, Poison and The Pilot.

The book further explains, "triangles are a short-circuiting mechanism that serves the purposes of avoiding discomfort with intimacy and of avoiding discomfort with facing conflictual issues." My triangle makes perfect sense given this explanation. I'm moving slowly and cautiously in my relationship with The Pilot. The entrance of Poison into the triangle (which is a blog of another day but does involve a concert, a dinner and a fight in the middle of Fado) is to help ease my discomfort with possible future intimacy between The Pilot and I. On the flip side, The Pilot has entered my life to relieve me of the "discomfort with facing conflictual issues" that occur between Poison and I.

Do well to remember that all of this is occurring unconsciously. Interesting stuff, isn't it?

Further down on the page containing the previous quote was an entire paragraph that completely clarified my relationship with Poison:
"Fogarty's observations of patients in his office led him to think that certain individuals may have greater tendencies toward separation anxiety or incorporation anxiety. This produces behavior that he labeled 'emotional pursuit' or 'emotional distance.' The partners of emotional pursuers perceive them as threatening incorporation, which activates the distancers' anxiety and intensifies their distancing behavior. The partners of emotional distancers perceive them as threatening abandonment (separation), triggering the pursuers' anxiety and intensifying their pursuit. The more intense the anxiety on either part, the more likely are efforts to stabilize the the dyad by activation of a triangle."

I am an emotional pursuer and Poison is an emotional distancer. I was emotionally pursuing Poison because I was afraid (rightfully so) that he would abandon me. Which only further distanced him from me. No healthy relationship can develop under these circumstances.

However, things are developing in a healthy fashion between The Pilot and I. And that is what an emotional pursuer should be looking for; something healthy. I'm going to consciously battle my unconscious tendencies to avoid intimacy and triangulate relationships.

Good-Bye Poison and "conflictual issues." Hello Pilot, intimacy and healthy pursuing!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

When it rains it pours

Can men smell other men's interest in me in the air?

I had my first date with The Pilot last night. And this morning, after six weeks of silence, Poison said hello by "cutely" calling me "stranger" (it had the feel of an implication that it was my fault we have not spoken for so long). Poison has a knack for this. I was spending New Year's Eve with Safety-net* when I received a text message from him after about a month of no contact.

However, he is not alone in this special skill. I had been (pseudo) dating Doc when I met Poison. And Doc, like Poison after him, disappeared for about 2 weeks. I'm not exaggerating when I say this; Doc called 7 minutes after my first phone call from Poison!

My high school boyfriends always managed to do this too. My most serious high school boyfriend, Monkey and I only dated for 10 months but we were together for 2.5 years. During all that time, I dated several other people because I thought things with Monkey and I were officially over (for real) each time. Then he would magically appear again, as if on command. I swear he could smell it in the air when I started dating or was becoming interested in someone new. Sadly, I always took him back (which got me no where). God only knows what my relationships with some of those other guys would have looked like or resulted in.

The boyfriend before Monkey, aka Dnab, did this same thing! His radar was always up and he could hear a whistle, like those only dogs can hear, whenever I was beginning my slow ascent towards getting over him by dating someone new. Although my relationship with Dnab did not last as long as my relationship with Monkey, the cycle was exactly the same (see previous paragraph about breaking up and getting back together).

I refuse to let my relationship with Poison mirror those I had with Monkey or Dnab. Our conversation this morning was pleasant but there was no discussion about what has transpired between us and there were no future plans made. I'm happy about that because The Pilot called this afternoon to tell me what a great time he had last night and that he would like to do it again sooner rather than later.

Go ahead Poison, bring on the rain showers. I'm ready and willing to say no.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent (or not so innocent).

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Presidents, Pilots and Purchasing

"Poison" reviews concerts for a living and one night during one of our grandiose summer plan-making talks we decided to go see The Presidents of the United States of America. That show was this past Friday. Him and I have not spoken in over a month. So we (or at least I; I have no idea what he did) did not go to the show. Total bummer.

So instead, on Friday night I went out with some very supportive friends. And met The Pilot. Who (for all those who are curious) has already called. I'll be seeing him sometime this week.

On Saturday, I went to Woodfield with Lindsey and bought enough clothes to safely say that I've acquired a new wardrobe. Recently, I've glanced into my closet many times and have been unable to find anything that I like enough to want to wear. Friday night this reached an all-time disaster level when my entire closet ended up on my bed/floor while trying to find an appropriate Redmond's outfit. The new wardrobe was also accompanied by 4 pairs of shoes, tons of accessories and a new phone!

Out with the old and in with the new.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Meet Silly

In my family we name our cars. My new 2007 silver Chevy Aveo hatchback looks similar to that of a cute clown car, thus she has been name Silly.

She is used. But only a year old with less than 11,000 miles.

And big THANK YOU to my Dad for buying me one last car. By the way, he bought Jimmy one too!!

Thursday, May 1, 2008


The cell phone gives you one final chance; Delete [insert name of a person from my past]? Cancel or Delete?

I'm feeling that some of my physical barriers and connections to my past are keeping me from moving forward. I also believe they are rendering me incapable of being happy and content with the present.

I'm deleting cell phone numbers of people I no longer talk to. Or those that I know I shouldn't be talking to. Most of my connections to high school and college seem more labored than beneficial. I must reach a point in which I can appreciate a friendship or relationship for what it was, then let it go and move on. Every relationship serves a purpose. However, I have a tendency to hold on long after that purpose has been fulfilled.

I'm also organizing my room, throwing out pictures, sentimental items, knick-knacks, notes, etc. My room is small. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I feel like every surface in my room was built with the purpose of holding complete crap. I want to clean house and open the space up. Improve the chi, if you will. I need to detach from the pictures or the memories they represent. I need to let go of the guilt that has caused me to hold on to sentimental items given long ago for purposes since forgotten. The person that bestowed the gift upon me never has to know that I threw (donated) it away.

I finally took down my trio of prom pictures. What 24 year old still displays pictures of her high school boyfriends?

I've got to separate from the past. I've got to appreciate the present. I've got to let the future unfold.