Tuesday, December 4, 2007

The pursuit of balance

In the last year or so, my life's goal has been to find and maintain balance in my life. This has so much been my goal that I've thought of getting a ying-yang symbol tattooed on my body to remind me the importance of remaining balance.

The problem that has occured thusfar is that I"m finding one pot completely full and the other completely depleted. No balance!! I'll give the most recent example, a couple of weeks ago I was on cloud 9 about a certain boy. Things were going great he was doing everything right, we were seeing eachother often but school and practicum were a serious struggle for me. I wasn't comfortable at my practicum site and I felt like I had no idea what I was doing on a school assignment. The next week rolled around and I was feeling more confident at practicum and I got my assignment back with positive comments, but things with the boy were going downhill fast. When will both things be on the upside at the same time, so I can finally have balance in the various aspects of my life.

Here is another problem, Sunday is an example of how the good always comes with the bad. I will admit that it is a blessing that I have the ability to recognize both and not let one (the bad one) cloud the good. I was asked to be a teacher's assistant for my favorite teacher for my favorite class next year. This is the best news I ever could have asked for. But then about an hour later the above mentioned boy was supposed to meet me for lunch and ended up having to cancel. Did I mention that we haven't seen eachother in a month?

What's frustrating about not seeing the boy is the fact that he was working upstairs in the same building in which I was at class. He has this incredible new job that I have no way of competing with. It's hard for me to be understanding of the time constraints that work puts on him because him and I haven't even had the opportunity to talk about what work is like for him. I can't respect something I know nothing about!! And the other bothersome thing is that when he cancels he never offers an alternative. Actually it's not bothersome, I just realized it's his easy way of letting me go. He can cancel and not schedule something else in the hopes that I will stop trying to schedule things. And now that I'm writing this out and seeing my own thoughts in front of me. I'm not going to schedule anything else. Obviously he doesn't want to be with me and I've just got to accept that and move on.

I have balance right now...unfortunately it's in the negative. I'm feeling down about school because my finals are insane and I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'm obviously feeling down about the boy.

I guess balance doesn't always mean that everything is going right.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

This is what results from an everyday conversation with Stanley

Well, several things have crossed my mind about my past interests.
1. I always fall to fast...I've gotta learn to control my emotions better- that is never their fault
2. I always hear what I want to hear- either pay attention to only the positive or only the negative; I can't integrate both
3. I honestly think my expectations are too high, relationships are work and I can't expect the guys to be doing all the work and me to be doing none. I've gotta leave my old fashioned mentality behind.
4. I've gotta prioritize all aspects of my life and STICK TO IT. Never let the boy become #1, which I do all to often.

Monday, November 26, 2007

They can't buy a break

My cousin, Stevie, used that quote on Saturday afternoon when talking about the horror show that was the Florida State Seminoles vs. Florida Gators game. For those of you who don't follow college football or more specifically my Noles, he was expressing this because we were losing, losing badly and could not seem to do anything to recover and at least muster some style points while being slaughtered.

But the quote struck me...it seems to apply perfectly to my current relationship situation. I've been single for (in my opinion) too long and then I finally met someone who I was attracted to, could carry an intelligent conversation with, enjoyed being around and missed when we were apart, and so on a so forth. It was fun and it was going well. Then he got a new job. A great new job that has time commitments way beyond what I can even comphrend. His job is more time consuming then my doctorate program, something I never thought was possible. So in short, in this case, the timing wasn't right. We hadn't been in a "relationship" long enough to withstand not seeing eachother or talking to each other so it essentially ended. He came into my life, then the job came into his and the timing of everything plucked him back out of my life.

When it comes to my life I can't buy a break.