Monday, May 11, 2009

Crying confession

The other night, I was visiting the Pilot's 3 month old niece, who spent the whole time in my arms crying. I've decided she doesn't like me, but other possibilities could be that she doesn't see me enough or that I'm too loud when I'm around her. None of that is important, however, compared to how I felt while I was watching her cry and trying my damnedest to comfort her.

I was overwhelmed with a feeling of jealousy! I want to be able to just sit and cry for endless minutes until someone comes and solves my problem.

I've been fighting intense emotions all week. Several times those emotions would spill out of my eyes and I barely let them flow (never for longer than 3 minutes). I would stop myself from letting the crying get out of control. And while the Pilot was fantastic at comforting me, there is no way he can just swoop in and solve my problem.

As an adult, I have always felt that sobbing is an inappropriate response to problems. Crying will not solve your problems. Intellectual reasoning ability will. I will allow myself cry, but only briefly and never the way a baby does. But I really want to.

I just want to be a kid again; cry carelessly, feel the warmth of the tears on my cheeks, receiving comforting hugs and not allow the waterworks to stop until it's all better. Being an adult presents all new problems, but some of them require just as many tears as childhood difficulties did.

I was jealous. Jealous of a 3 month old. I could feel in my bones how badly I wanted to let it out the way she was. Unfortunately, I still haven't.

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