Monday, April 7, 2008


It has been 3 weeks since I swallowed the hot bitter substance better known as coffee or felt the bubbles of pop tickle my throat. However yesterday I folded on the pork thing. I was at the Cubs game and starving for lunch, when the hot dog man magically appeared in my aisle. I ate one hot dog, which is actually not a food I ever really enjoy, but I guess desperate times call of desperate measures. Saturday night at a fabulously delicious dinner I managed to order my bacon wrapped steak without the bacon, but there I go the very next day eating a ball park frank at the ball park. So, I fell off the horse, but I will get right back up and no more pork for me.

Timing is everything!

Psychologically and physically, 3 weeks ago may not have been the best time to embark on this journey. I am uncomfortable making excuses, hence the avoidance of writing a blog in several weeks. However, I still find them rolling off my tongue despite myself.

In the movie, Clueless, Cher shares with her teacher that her tardy the previous week was because, "I was surfing the crimson wave." For me the "crimson wave" appeared during week 2 of the "diet," reeking havoc on my body and causing my weight to fluctuate in ways that would have encouraged anyone to believe that the changes they were making were, in essence, not helping. I still have not added exercise into my daily routine, basically because I'm lazy. So as of right now. the lowest weight I have reached in these past 3+ weeks is 167.7.

Psychologically, I have realized how important food and alcohol are in my ability to comfort myself when I'm upset. While trying to give up alcohol for a month, I learned from a best buddy some news that made me unjustly mad at several people. I came home that day and shared with the roommate that all I wanted was some wine. Something wrong with that picture? Well I had given up alcohol and (although I later broke that promise too) I was determined to stick to it at that point. So I sat down and came up with a different plan. I knew I was mad at these people for my own reasons, really nothing having to do with them. These poor people were all in a no win situation. Thanks to my awareness I made the decision to just stay away from those people until I had processed my problems with the situation and had gotten over being mad at them (for basically no reason whatsoever). I did all this without taking a sip of alcohol. I have since been in the presence of all those people and no anger surfaced at all.

The alcohol quickly returned to my life. My decision when it comes to giving that up (even if it only is for 30 days) is that I'm just not ready to let it go. The first sip occurred while out with "the boy." It wasn't his fault, it was mine. I will, however, blame him for some of the other times, since that fateful night, that I have consumed copious amounts of alcohol. He isn't doing everything "right" and when my feelings get hurt I decide to numb the pain (unsuccessfully; the tears still inevitably come) with beer or wine. I am, however, starting to realize that my definition of "right" is still my own issue. So, it's time, again, to sit down and come up with a solution to the anger and hurt that includes something other than alcohol.

Also, I want to share with you:
The books I'm reading to motivate and inspire my life changes.
And my thanks to special friends; Michael, Alyssa, Cindy Fey and Lindsey

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