information overload & droopy eyes

I caved. I joined Twitter. More so for my own entertainment, than for the need to gather followers. On Friday night, I found myself carrying on internal dialogue in the form of tweets or Facebook status updates, so Saturday morning I joined, so I could stop talking to myself in fragmented sentences.

Staring at the computer screen to write papers, tweet or blog is making my eyes tired. But, even worse I am just physically and mentally exhausted. All. The. Time.

The Pilot says it is because of my new intense (half-marathon) training schedule. If that is the case, I am screwed. I am beginning to lose my energy to follow that. I am canceling plans with very understanding friends. I am crying over spilled milk. I am going to bed angry at the Pilot because he isn't tired and therefore I'm tossing and turning with the light on. I am over-scheduling and under-performing. I am guzzling coffee to the point of shaking. I feel like I cannot catch a break and get ahead. My to-do lists are enormous and continue to grow, despite successfully completing some tasks.

My emotional response to my move has been unexpected and overwhelming. Many issues are arising within me that warrant a, "I'll have to work on that," insight response. So add self-improvement to the to-do list.

All in all, I am tired of being tired.

New Digs. New Determination.

At the end of May my roommate and I packed up our "too small" apartment in "too far away" Lincoln Square and moved into a huge garden apartment in "trendy" Wicker Park. Three weeks later, I received a frantic phone call from my roommate, "the apartment is flooding."

So...I moved back in with my parents. For more reasons than a flooded, mold-growing apartment. But for reasons too personal to disclose here. The Pilot discussed the situation in eloquent fashion, "If not biblical, it's certainly literary. A flood. Then re-birth."

I'm adjusting to the new living situation, slowly. But the one thing keeping me sane is my determination to throw myself completely into my half marathon training. That's right, after one successful 8 mile run I decided I had enough distance behind me to spend the money and run 13.1 miles in September.

I have so many blog ideas running through my head. It is so hard to get them down as quickly as I think of them. I promise to write more regularly- especially to update on my half-marathon training progress.

Good luck out there ;-)
(That's an ode to Ben, btw)

"Speedracer"

Me holding up my 5K medal from a race in Champaign-Urbana. I finished in 34:39.

Running the Race to Wrigley; captured via my Dad's cell phone! Finished in 36:12.












Before the Walk to Empower/United 5K Breast Cancer Mother's Day event. Finished that race in my fastest time yet, 31:51!

Crying confession

The other night, I was visiting the Pilot's 3 month old niece, who spent the whole time in my arms crying. I've decided she doesn't like me, but other possibilities could be that she doesn't see me enough or that I'm too loud when I'm around her. None of that is important, however, compared to how I felt while I was watching her cry and trying my damnedest to comfort her.

I was overwhelmed with a feeling of jealousy! I want to be able to just sit and cry for endless minutes until someone comes and solves my problem.

I've been fighting intense emotions all week. Several times those emotions would spill out of my eyes and I barely let them flow (never for longer than 3 minutes). I would stop myself from letting the crying get out of control. And while the Pilot was fantastic at comforting me, there is no way he can just swoop in and solve my problem.

As an adult, I have always felt that sobbing is an inappropriate response to problems. Crying will not solve your problems. Intellectual reasoning ability will. I will allow myself cry, but only briefly and never the way a baby does. But I really want to.

I just want to be a kid again; cry carelessly, feel the warmth of the tears on my cheeks, receiving comforting hugs and not allow the waterworks to stop until it's all better. Being an adult presents all new problems, but some of them require just as many tears as childhood difficulties did.

I was jealous. Jealous of a 3 month old. I could feel in my bones how badly I wanted to let it out the way she was. Unfortunately, I still haven't.

My cinco de Mayo- no alcohol included

Yesterday was the kind of day that unfolded perfectly. And that was exactly what I needed after an extremely eventful and emotionally charged weekend.

• I woke up a little bit before my alarm and was able to roll over and cuddle with the Pilot for a couple special minutes.
• When my alarm finally went off, I was able to get out of bed well rested and actually ready to start the day.
• I was on time!!!
• I walked into the morning sunshine and warmth, wearing flip flops, over sized sunglasses and clutching a large cup of coffee.
• The girls I babysit for mistaking the Pink song that started playing on the radio for one performed by Hannah Montana or iCarly.
• My therapist miraculously having an appointment available for a much needed, emergency visit.
• The Pilot inviting me to spend the night with him.
• The Pilot getting off of work early.
• Taking advantage of the nice weather by grilling burgers and eating outside with the Pilot.
• Biggest Loser Tuesday
• Reading my unexpectedly enjoyable Chicken Soup for the Catholic Soul book.
• Skipping my run, just cuz!

Shamrock Shitshow

The weather yesterday morning for my first 8k race did not cooperate (in the opinion of this novice runner). The snow and ice started falling the night before. Then the weather forecaster mentioned that the windchill would be in the teens throughout much of the race due to the 20 mph winds!!

The winds, the cold temperature and the precipitation packed a 1, 2 (and 3) punch that I just could not handle. After much consideration, I made the difficult decision to stay home and not run my race. Then I reached a mental compromise. I would not run outside in the less than desirable conditions but the Pilot and I would trek to the gym and I would run the 4.97 miles on the treadmill. I finished my race in 59:35!

My gym has recently been asking members to reveal why they exercise. I came up with my reason this week; I exercise so I can drink Yuengling.

Yes, the picture you see is a glass cabinet in my kitchen filled with nothing but Yuengling. This delicious beer is only sold regionally and Chicago is not a region they disrupt too. Due to these unfortunate circumstances, every time I am in a place where this beer can be purchased I buy a couple of cases.

During a recent trip to Pittsburgh I bought 3 cases and came home to discover the only place I could store the bottles was on display in the cabinet. My roommate loved the idea and now all my beer drinking bliss can be seen by any guest that walks from the kitchen to the bathroom.

I can also officially say that I exercise to deserve every 150 calories found in that beer. Today marked the first day of a new training program crafted specially for me by the Pilot (complete with an excel spreadsheet and color-coded exercise groupings). In addition to running, this 12 week training program also includes weight training. I will be running 4 days a week and working with weights 3 days a week.

If I am successful, at the end of this 12 weeks I will be fully trained to run a half marathon (I have not registered yet, but I am still considering it) and my personal weight loss goal is to be 12 lbs lighter.

winning weight loss battles and the diet war

For Lent I gave up fried food.

I wanted my Lenten promise to be something health related because so much of my life is currently revolving around that topic anyways. I considered giving up fast food but then the fear of God struck me; would that include Subway?! Their $5 footlongs have been a diet and wallet savior the last month or so. Then the Pilot asked what my real food weakness was and I realized it was yummy food (loosely translated into fried food). I love greasy bar food, anything cutely named crispy, and french fries (preferably loaded with cheese and chili)!

So I made a commitment to degrease my insides. I just picture God unclogging my arteries (I do, after all, come from a long line of nightmarish genetics predisposing me to Heart Disease) as motivation to keep me going. Oh that and Jesus in a desert for 40 days and 40 nights!

This sacrifice has not been that hard to remain committed too, except this past Friday night. Trouble occurred while at the Foundry watching Florida State take on Wisconsin in their first March Madness appearance since the 80's.

Due to the March Madness madness the Foundry had compiled a smaller menu of things they were willing to make, with no additions, subtractions or substitutions. On the menu was all the usual bar food suspects, but my Lenten promise coupled with no-meat Fridays made choosing dinner incredibly difficult. Most of the fish options were fried (think fish n' chips), most of the appetizers were fried, and almost all of the main entrees were meat or chicken dishes. It came down to 2 options (that's all!), the tuna melt or caesar salad sans chicken.

I ordered the tuna melt and asked the waitress to remove the tomatoes and give me a side salad instead of homemade (fried) chips or fries. That is when I was informed of the no additions, subtractions of substitutions rule. I peeled off my own tomatoes and gave all the chips to the Pilot.

Questions came from the Pilot's friend, "Do you always eat this healthy?" I giggled and replied, rolling my eyes, "No way!" Although, I will admit it felt nice to be mistaken for a health freak. Nicer, though, than being believed to be a healthy person was my own sense of accomplishment for ordering a meatless, non-fried dish and asking for a side salad then NOT eating a single homemade chip when I was informed that a salad was not an option.

The even better news is that my Foundry experience was not the first diet and weight loss battle I won.

I quickly learned that I was going to be a person who needed to eat every few hours, even if I did not feel hungry because once the hungry did hit, I went immediately to starving (and that is when the cravings begin). One afternoon while babysitting I did not have my usual bag full of snacks and I could not find anything in the house that was calorie-friendly enough to eat. First mini-battle won; I did not give into my hunger and cravings by eating something unhealthy or loaded with empty calories. I found inner strength to wait until after babysitting to eat. However, as the minutes ticked by all I could think about was where I would stop on my way home to purchase dinner. Taco Bell sounded good, as did a double cheeseburger from McDonalds. Second mini-battle won; I ended up at the grocery store! I am still not consciously aware of how that decision came about but there I was and I went straight to the snack aisle and opened a 100 calorie pack of multi-grain wheat thin crisps (should have grabbed carrots instead, but I still consider it a win). They gave me the fuel I needed to plan a better alternative to a fast food meal. For dinner that night I made my own cheeseburger; english muffin, spicy mustard, boca burger, fat-free cheese and romaine lettuce with apple slices subbing for french fries.

I cooked breakfast for the Pilot and I yesterday morning. Multi-grain pancakes and a heaping fruit salad. I told him if he wanted bacon (more specifically turkey bacon) or eggs he was on his own, I would not be cooking those sort of things. I tried to eat the fruit salad first but the fear of cold pancakes consumed me and I drizzled on the syrup. Not the healthiest choice for breakfast and I think it doomed me for the rest of the day. I was hungry all day and did not have the strength to ignore my cravings. Third mini-battle won; while I ate a bagel with regular cream cheese in a crab craving binge I just said to myself it was one hiccup (not the end of the world) and I could start all over again today.

Which is exactly what I did. Fourth mini-battle won; my breakfast this morning was a cup of green tea, 1 serving of liquid egg substitute (prepared with butter flavored non-stick cooking spray), 1 cup of sauteed spinach (prepared the same way), 1 piece of 35 calorie wheat toast split down the middle (half covered in light whipped butter, half covered with peanut butter) and a juicy clementine. Total calories for breakfast? 181 and I am stuffed!

Fifth mini-battle won; I can run 6 miles the day after a night of large alcohol consumption! Saturday morning I woke up regretting my Miller Lites from the night before. Manageable calories but not so manageable alcohol intake! I chugged water, ate lots of carbs and I knew that running would push the headache out of my body for the remainder of the day. The Pilot came home from work and we set out to run 5 miles (the last long run in my training program before I run an 8k on Sunday). The Pilot sprinted out in front of me and was doing a leg work out (waiting for me) at the turnaround point. We began to run back the way we came. The Pilot sprinted off again and I glanced down at my watch. I could not believe I was running so slow! Then the thought hit me; I'm not running slow, the Pilot is torturing me! He met me close to the end and ran the last half mile with me, the whole time claiming it was only 5 miles. I made him map it again when we got home. "I lied to you," he said, "it was 5.9 miles." No anger here. I ran the whole thing! I ran 6 miles! And I burned 704 calories while doing it!

I am down 7 lbs now and seriously considering signing up for the Chicago half-marathon in September. After all, I can already run about half of it!