Mastering Mind Body & Spirit

Mastering Body: I’m a running snob

2012-01-10T10:48:00.001-06:00

and I still believe calling myself a runner is a stretch. But, I discovered last week (runner or not) that I am picky about my runs and seem to think that my way of running is not only the best way, but the only way.

The Pilot’s co-pilot (we will call him Co-Pilot ) has recently taken up running. The Pilot’s love for running is contagious and seems to have converted many couch potatoes over the years. It started innocently enough, Co-Pilot would join the Pilot on runs while they were on trips together, but suddenly, Co-Pilot’s new found love of running took on a life of it’s own and subsequently got in the way of mine!

Co-Pilot found a forest preserve near his house and once while running (without the Pilot) ran into an old high school friend who runs with an ultra marathon trail running group. This meeting gave birth to Co-Pilot’s insane obsession with long distance trail runs.

I, on the other hand, enjoy running outside on the streets near my house or on the treadmill. I train for road races and see absolutely no need to get muddy, jump over fallen tree limbs or dodge rocks while running. Co-Pilot loves this atmosphere and begged the Pilot and I to join him for a run last week.

My nice little running plan called for a 9 mile run this weekend and after observing the freakishly high temps occurring in my area, I settled on running those 9 miles on Friday outside in 50* weather! I was pumped. I was psyched. I was ready. I could do this. Then the Pilot asked me to run my 9 miles at the Co-Pilot’s trail. Ugh. Dream crusher.

I reluctantly went along on this crazy trail run, although it didn’t feel like running. It felt like fast walking, hiking, hurtling and kicking mud. The inclines slowed me to a crawl and the unseasonably warm temps had turned the trails into a complete muddy mess. It was hard work and something I will never do again (hence, being a running snob).

I just wanted to run a nice flat 9 miler at 10:30 minutes per mile (faster than I’ve ever run it before). Instead I ran/walked 8.85 miles at 14:30 minutes pet mile. Trail running is different and I couldn’t wrap my brain around the idea that it was a good different.

At the end of the day I couldn’t be proud of myself for hanging in there with the boys and completing a distance run that literally included hills and obstacles. I just wanted to bitch about how slow we were going and how (for me) run/walking felt like a slip backwards in training.

Upon reflection, I can see how awesome it was. I challenged my legs and lungs in a new and exciting way. The weather in January was nice enough for us to spend 2 hours running outside. The sun started to beautifully set while we were on the run. I was able to incorporate hills and distance into one workout. Co-Pilot smiled the whole time, proud to be showing us his stomping grounds (and then his wife joined us at an awesome beer joint for celebratory brews).

And most importantly, this was another run in which the Pilot willingly ran at my pace (something that has been happening with greater frequency recently)!

Mastering Body: What’s Working This Time

2011-07-26T07:06:00.001-05:00

Several times during my inconsistent blogging career, I’ve made grand proclamations about losing weight and documenting my process on the blog (examples are here, here and here). While I do not consistently share the results (usually because there are none) I have shared some successes too (here and here).

This lack of project completion makes me scared to share (anything) on the blog. Other bloggers talk about how their blog and their blog readers hold them accountable…I haven’t found that motivation (maybe because I haven’t found readers?)

But, (fingers crossed) things are going well over here in the weight loss/body confidence department, so I wanted to share with you what is helping (this time).

My new bike (mine is white, looks super hot and was an early wedding gift from the Pilot; pictures to come)
The Garmin Forerunner 210 (another early wedding present!! What should I get him?)
The 17 day diet (forcing me to eat what I already know I should be eating)
Eat, Drink and Be Gorgeous (reminding me that moderation is key and to eat my protein first)
My Fitness Pal (free calorie counter that has a HUGE database of calorie counts and the android app has barcode scanner to make food tracking even easier!)
Peanut Butter Fingers (Julie’s motivation to wake up early and exercise daily is morning inspiration for me)
Carrots N Cake (I love everything about Tina’s blog, but her real life confessions make me realize we are all human and that we all struggle from time to time)
Healthy Tipping Point (Caitlin is the author of Operation Beautiful, a book I recommend to clients struggling with self-esteem issues, whose writing potential was discovered through her blog. Have I mentioned that I have a book idea?)
Meal and Miles (Meghann has given me the guts to try all sorts of fun and wacky food combinations to keep my limited food intake exciting)
The Fitnessista (Gina’s exercise recommendations leave no reason for me to become bored at the gym or enter into an exercise rut)
Pretty Little Words (Shout out to fellow Chicago blogger, Laura, who I recently discovered and was immediately jealous of her witty writing style)

So that’s it folks; these are the things I am finding most helpful and supportive as I attempt to lose weight and shape-up this time (for my wedding!).

Mastering Mind: Working from Home

2011-06-13T17:51:00.001-05:00

At work, I set my own hours. This has been a blessing and a curse. The good news is it affords me the opportunity to go into the office only when I have clients scheduled. The bad news is it affords me the opportunity to go into the office only when I have clients scheduled. Basically, I have little motivation to complete the other tasks required by my job (session notes, networking, community outreach, blog and article writing). I just want to see my clients and go home.

However, upon recent reflection and evaluation of my career goals, I realized that just seeing clients was not enough to get me where I want to go. I need to get out and make connections, so people know who I am, what I am about and why they should send their clients/friends to see me.

With that discovery I made a new plan. This plan includes a commitment to work from home (when tasks allow). In the past, I would claim I was going to do some stuff for work and never get around to it or I would drive all the way (45 mins) to the office to complete tasks that can really be done from home. This is all changing. If it can be done from home and I set the intention to do it from home, I will do it!!

Last Monday morning I worked from home, responding to correspondence, blogging, and making community outreach/networking plans. This was an a great way to ease into this idea because these were small task and did not require that I spread out to much.

This week however, the tasks became more involved and a challenge arose when the one desk we have was being occupied by the Pilot, who was also working from home today.

I can get over not having a desk, if he can get over this mess

The real challenge was wanting to spend time with him and not do my work. But, I mastered that challenge today! I said I was going to work from home and gosh-darn-it, I did!

My work stuff was completed in such a timely fashion that I was able to complete several personal tasks too (the major one being Save the Dates!!)

Stay tuned for a very exciting Mastering Body post!!

Mastering Spirit: Challenging my spirit

2011-02-02T12:34:00.001-06:00

Two weeks ago I was travelling around the Island of St. Thomas looking at views like this:

And overnight the Blizzard of 2011 hit Chicago and I woke up to views like this:

If that doesn’t challenge my spirit, I don’t know what does

Mastering Body: My Return to Bikram Yoga

2011-01-08T16:24:00.001-06:00

To be perfectly honest, exercising and eating right has been a serious struggle this week. I know all the reasons I have to take good care of myself (long, healthy life with my future husband, being healthy for my future children, fitting into my wedding dress, etc), but I just can’t seem to muster up the energy to make it to the gym or make healthy food choices.

This struggle resulted in no trips to the gym Tuesday and Wednesday and a series of text messages with the Pilot discussing motivation and energy. But then, Thursday rolled around and it was my day off. I decided if I can’t make time to work out on my day off, I’ll never find time to do it when I’m busy. So, I got my butt to the gym and completed a simple speedwork run (5x400). It’s only been 3 days, but I’m hoping that was the run that got me back on track.

Yesterday, the struggle returned. I’ve been away from Bikram Yoga for exactly a month now (for financial reasons) and finally thought I could afford to return, which was my intention for yesterday’s workout. However, about an hour before class I found myself in an emotional down place and considered skipping yoga class (and thus a workout) for a glass of wine. Then, I recalled Caitlin’s recent post about healthy coping skills and realized 90 minutes of yoga would be the ultimate mood booster. Of course I was right. I had great first class back and was able to concentrate only on yoga for those 90 minutes (what was bothering me prior to class wasn’t thought about once).

And today again, I had no desire to go to the gym after a horrible night’s sleep and an early wake-up call for work. So I compromised with myself, just make it to the gym and do another simple run. I complete 2.16 miles (the number seems random I know, but it was selected for a purpose) and then went home to complete 8 sun salutations. Now, I’m barely tired anymore.

As for my diet, I’ve laid out one simple goal inspired by one of Tina’s recent blog posts. Make sure to include protein with every meal. I’m hopeful that consuming more protein will improve my overall energy level.

Cheers to blogging 3 times this week, as outlined by my new years resolutions!

Mastering Mind: Coffee Catch-up

2011-01-04T12:32:00.001-06:00

That beautiful girl standing beside me in this incredibly dated (November 2008) picture is one of my bridesmaids. Liss and I met in our first year of grad school and have seen each other through several life-altering situations. Liss has been a supporter of my relationship with the Pilot from day one and I could literally hear her smiling through the phone when I told her we were engaged. Those, among many others, are the reasons why I asked her to be part of the bridal party.

Liss is currently living in California with her fiancé, Benny-Boo, while he completes his PsyD internship (thank you Argosy University for bring us all together). However, this week she is in town for some wedding planning and internship interviewing of her own and we were able to carve out a 90 minute chat at Starbucks yesterday.

Conversations with Liss yesterday, some serious and some silly, were a great way for me to master mind this week. Creativity crept in when talking about wedding colors or strategic budget ideas. Active listening skills were activated when talking about the stress included in wedding planning and our memory was engaged when we started to recall what we were like 4.5 years ago when we first met and how much we’ve changed.

I encourage everyone to call a friend and practice the mindful art of listening. Then challenge that friend to do the same for you (I know you’ll want to talk as well).

Mastering Mind, Body & Spirit in 2011

2011-01-02T14:29:00.001-06:00

In case you haven’t heard I’m engaged and getting married this year!!

That being said, I think this year offers a wonderful opportunity to continue my quest to master my mind, body and spirit.

Resolutions for 2011

Master my mind by:

Studying for, taking and passing my licensing exam
Meditating and journaling more regularly
Attempting to blog 3 times a week
Enjoying the experience of being engaged

Master my body by:

Continuing the fitness and eating regimen that has already helped me drop one dress size
Completing a 30 day challenge (30 day shred, anyone?)
Running my 2nd half marathon
Attempting new recipes more often

Master my spirit by:

Attending church weekly
Meeting with a Priest to complete the pre-marriage requirements outlined by the church
Getting married in a Catholic Church

2010 was an amazing year (graduating, getting a job, moving in with the Pilot and getting engaged), so I am a little sad to see it go, but also very excited to see what 2011 will bring.

Happy New Year!

I might be eating pizza

2010-11-30T20:20:00.001-06:00

But I can. Today I went to Bikram Yoga and worked my ass off for 90 minutes. Blood, sweat, tears and contorting my body into positions I never knew possible, certainly deserves a celebratory pizza.

Also; I’ve lost 15 pounds since August 10, 2010. At one point the pounds lost was actually 19. No matter the number, the most important and wonderful thing is, that I fit my body into a size 8 dress for White House/Black Market!

The combination of Bikram yoga, running, weights, and Weight Watchers has really helped me to build self confidence and a positive body image.

And just an fyi, the pizza is thin crust and frozen, so I am completely in control of how many calories I am taking in.

Graduation then and now

2010-11-28T21:49:00.002-06:00

Undergrad graduation August 2006

Grad school graduation November 2010

Jojo and the Pilot make plans for the future

2010-11-04T16:36:00.000-05:00

No. I am NOT engaged. I am certainly NOT married.

But after two years of dating (remember this Friday night or our first summer together?) the Pilot and I moved in together!!

I have claimed to hate the 4th of July, but that sentiment is gradually changing. This year especially, because that was the weekend I moved into my boyfriend's apartment permanently.

He said it best, we were celebrating my independence that weekend. I had my masters degree. I had my adult, real world job. I was living with my boyfriend (independent from the help of my parents). Mostly it was exciting to celebrate the progression of our relationship and the healthy approach we have taken with every step of the relationship.

It wasn't all rainbows and butterflies that weekend. In fact, it was quite overwhelming with many tears. But now I can look back on it with a smile and say all my worries were for nothing because I've never been happier.

Even though I'm learning it takes a lot of hard work, motivation and discipline to run a household, stay on top of the laundry, get the dishes washed and occasionally cook.

I'm working on it though. Because these plans with the Pilot have afforded me the opportunity to live my life the way I always wanted too.

Will I have a career or am I doomed to forever be a student?

2010-08-02T22:17:00.001-05:00

So where was I? Oh yes! Making a plan of attack for May. This plan looked something like this:

Talk to seminar Professor
E-mail psychoanalytic mentor
Meet with Comps grader
Read Nancy McWilliams
Read more Nancy McWilliams
Read a third Nancy McWilliams book
Organize all class notes that could be of possible interest while taking the exam

Implementing this plan took me from March until the day I picked up the exam in May. I had two weeks to write my exam, which was picked up on a Monday. By Friday of the first week I had six pages of nonsense written (I still thank my ENC1101 teacher and Anne Lamott for this writing approach). I woke up on the first Saturday morning, looked at the Pilot and said, "I'm redoing it. I'm squeezing the client into the theory, instead of the using the theory to describe the client."

I re-wrote that part and completed subsequent parts all by the close of the first week. This meant I had a whole week to edit, add and refine my work. I passed the first draft off to my mom and the Pilot who both edited it and asked many questions to help me clarify my writing. I woke up at some other point that week and decided to rework one more aspect of the paper and then was completely confident in what I had written and only needed to edit and pay attention to page limits. I finished it at 7:30 pm the night before it was due, printed it the following morning and turned it in, among much panic. Remember, if I didn't pass the test this time around I would not be graduating on my projected graduation date.

Additional pressure about graduating on time was coming from other places; my practicum site. Back in March (the same week I found out I hadn't passed the exam the first time) I was interviewing potential interns for next year. After all the interviews had been conducted, my supervisors took me out for a dinner meeting to discuss my thoughts, their thoughts and hopefully land on a decision. We all agreed within the first 5 minutes of the meeting who we would like to offer the position too (although she ended up declining, having taken a position elsewhere); which left a lot of time to chat about other stuff. My supervisors had a hidden agenda all along; THEY OFFERED ME A JOB!!! So passing the test in May, not only meant that I would graduate on time, it also meant that I would employed upon graduation.

On June 18, 2010 I returned to school to pick up my exam results. The Pilot was unable to accompany me there this time, but requested I call him as soon as I got the envelope so he could be on the phone with me when I opened it. I called (3 times before he answered), opened the exam, and read aloud, "Congratulations, you have passed!" I was jumping up and down in a dark, abandoned classroom as I continued to read further comments that included this gem; "You met or exceeded our expectations on every critical domain." I hung up with the Pilot, called my parents and then my supervisor.

Ten days later, I had finished my required 750 hours of intern work and walked into the Lighthouse as an employee! My graduation ceremony is in November, but I am officially practicing therapy with an MACL!

Running as a metaphor for my academic career

2010-06-24T09:01:00.000-05:00

Remember the stress that occurred six weeks prior to my birthday? The first two weeks of January I was writing a paper (a comprehensive exam to be more exact) that would make or break my academic career- pass the exam and graduate or fail and have to take it again in May. Failing the exam was an unbearable, crippling thought- what if, then in May, I did not pass? Then I really wouldn't graduate "on time" (because the next, and last opportunity, to take the exam would be in January, long after my set graduation date of November).

Well, proving the theory that "what we focus on grows," I did not pass my January exam. The test was broken up into three parts and I only passed one. This meant I would have to retake the remaining two sections in May. Devastation set in. Regrets came pouring out in the form of tears. The Pilot silently and patiently drove the car home, so I could quiver in disappointment and wallow in self pity for the remainder of the day. I did just that, crawling into bed shortly after I received the news and slept.

The next morning I woke up, still reeling, but forced to move on, duty calls. I went for a run. A horribly slow, incredibly painful 3 mile run. I pushed through the physical pain, crying for most of the run, from the combination of physical discomfort and emotional disappointment.

However, I finished the run, without stopping or taking walking breaks. And a powerful thought came over me upon completion of the run; "The run was difficult, but I finished! And I am a better, stronger, and healthier person for having done it."

The same can be said for my academic career- it has been a difficult, challenging road (with MANY unexpected twist and turns) to obtain my Masters degree, but overcoming those obstacles will make me a better, strong, healthier person and certainly a better therapist. Armed with this metaphor I made an action plan and moved on towards May..

Sneak Peek

2010-05-23T16:52:00.000-05:00

I've been composing blogs in my head for months. I just never seem to have the time or drive to actually type and publish them. Here is a short list of what will (hopefully) being appearing on Mastering Mind Body & Spirit soon.

Running as a metaphor for my academic career
"The 4 of us" (my thoughts on female friendships in groups of 4)
My temporary vacation from eating red meat
My psychoanalytic reading list
Jojo and the Pilot make plans for the future
Will I have a career or am I doomed to forever be a student?

Interviewee becomes interviewer

2010-02-18T08:44:00.001-06:00

Exactly one year (to the day), after my interview at work, I was handed a stack of new intern applications to familarize myself with because 2nd round interviews will be conducted by me!

It is bittersweet. And throws into harsh reality for me what the next couple of months will be bringing my way. I have to complete practicum, apply for and take the liscensing exam and find a job. Hopefully, all this can be accomplished by September 1 (at the latest)!

I am sad to leave practicum because I have wonderful supervision, guidance, and support there. But, I am excited to actually get paid for all this hard and mentally exhausting work I am doing. No more babysitting. Stable salary. Set schedule. Basically, I want to start my adult life.

I cannot think of a better way to become an adult, then conduct interviews for your replacement. What questions should I ask?

Amazing Grace

2010-02-16T08:18:00.000-06:00

Gone...but not forgotten. My grandfather passed away 1 year ago today. Today, I do not want to recount the joys of his life or the pain of his loss, I just want to find strength in the song played at his funeral, Amazing Grace.

Amazing Grace Lyrics

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.



T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.



Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.



The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.



Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.



When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.



"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

Valentines Day Recap

2010-02-15T20:45:00.000-06:00

My dozen lavender roses from Robbins Flowers!!

The pilot baked and decorated a Valentines cake. It tasted delicious! How sweet and cheesy is he?!

My new dress and necklace paid for by Christmas and birthday gift cards to Target.

My big smile at the end of the night!

Funk-y

2010-02-11T17:38:00.000-06:00

I woke up yesterday and just felt off! I never really found the right words to describe the feeling to anyone, but some of the attempted descriptions included, "gross," "in a funk," "off balance," and "living in the twilight zone."

I think my body was angry yesterday when it woke up after a horrible night's sleep, although I managed to sleep through the rare Illinois earthquake. The previous night had included bad for you dinner choices and 3 glasses of cheap red wine while dining at Ziadi with a friend. My body was fed up with mistreatment, after my birthday, the Super Bowl and the Ziadi trip I had consumed too many non-nutritious calories and way to much alcohol. Not to mention finding convenient reasons to not make it to the gym. Hence, the "gross" feeling.

I got to work and thought I would have an hour to re-group before my first client came in. I had big plans for that hour; eat lunch, journal and meditate. I wanted to get myself out of whatever mood it was that I was in, because I knew I would not be an effective therapist. Then an opportunity to an observe a client I was really wanting to interact with appeared and I could not turn it down. The session was great, but my countertransference was OUT OF CONTROL and afterward, I was faced with no time to process the whole thing before going into session with my own client who has been particularly difficult to work with recently. By the start of my third hour at work, I was sitting in my supervisor's office crying for reasons, I still could not find the words to explain.

My next client, also a difficult one canceled and I was finally allowed sometime to try to get my act together when 2 disturbing facebook status updates caught my attention, causing frantic text messages to GR and a google news search that yielded this result: 2 Priniciples Shot by Teacher in Knoxville!!! GR's mom works at that school. She is fine. But that's when the, "I'm living in the Twilight Zone" comments first slipped from my lips. It was a strange day.

My next 2 sessions were fine and I thought I was getting back into the swing of things, until my last client did not show up for session and my stomach started to hurt, prompting another skipped gym session. By the time I made it home, I was exhausted. I had to pack for the weekend at the Pilot's house, which just seemed to laborious at the time, I considered coming home after school today and then driving out to his place instead of heading straight there, just so I wouldn't have to pack anytime soon.

The Pilot was having a really good day and I felt horrible about having to tell him about mine. I would NOT have, if he hadn't asked directly, "How are you?" Even then I just explained it away as having a rough day and started crying because I still couldn't describe it.

I woke up this morning and packed for the weekend, because I NEED time with the Pilot tonight. However, I think today is a good day to take a personal day.

Heart Healthy

2010-02-09T07:52:00.000-06:00

Friday February 5 was wear National Wear Red Day to support Heart Disease Awareness in Women. I sported red...did you?!

Sunday February 7 was the 2 year anniversary of my father undergoing open-heart surgery!!

For the past couple of years, February has been a rough month for me, despite starting with my birthday! This year and years to come will be different because February is American Heart month. I want to figure out a way to make Heart health a priority in my life, the lives of my loved ones and society at large. I guess I'll start by donating!!

American Heart Association
Cardiovascular Health Test from my local hospital

Over the last few years this issue has become incredibly important to me and it is something I am becoming increasing passionate about. I have some other ideas cooking, but what can you think of to help spread awareness?

Birthday blues and blooming

2010-02-07T12:46:00.000-06:00

The 6 weeks leading up to my birthday were, in a word, stressful. They included the holidays, a vacation, and 2 very serious, very time consuming papers.

Basically, everything fell apart around these 2 papers. Vacation could have been more enjoyable if I didn't have to worry about the paper. And the paper could have been better if I didn't have to focus on vacation. One of these papers, my comprehensive exam, WILL make or break my graduation and I could only focus on not passing. Because I was so consumed with that paper I began to slack (or be less enthusiastic) about work, which then pushed me into a belief that I was bad at my job. Bringing us back, in a vicious cycle of thinking, to the paper. Thinking the paper must be bad because I am bad at my job, and therefore could not possibly write a psychological theory and application paper.

Things got worse. My 26th birthday was looming LARGE and I did not want it to come. I did not want to acknowledge it. I felt that 26 was a tremendous leap from 25 and I was not ready to be old. Further, I felt unaccomplished and I did not want to be an unaccomplished 26 year old. I was not meeting my own prior set expectations; I'm not married, I don't have my advanced to degree, I babysit for a living. Let it pass silently was my prerogative until the Pilot got sick of it all, "Just have some friends over." To which I responded, "I can't afford to go anywhere or do anything, no one from the city is going to want to come out and everyone is probably busy." Upon reflection it occured to me that I was so concerned about the fact that I would feel rejected if no one could come, I was making up excuses to not even bother asking.

By Tuesday of the week before my birthday I was so down on myself I told the Pilot and my supervisor that I did not feel as though I was succeeding in any on area of my life. I felt like everything was insurmountable. I was in a hole so deep I couldn't see the light.

I'm not sure how it happened, but on Thursday a perceptable shift occured! I moved from "woe is me" to relaxing for the weekend and meeting my birthday head on.

My relaxing birthday weekend ended up as such:

Thursday- I turned in the last of those two terrifying papers and vowed to not talk about, think about, or write about any subjects relating to psychology, school, or practicum. I also received incredibly positive feedback from my supervisor on my "turning a corner" and really becoming a therapist. He mentioned having confidence in me and that patients were having positive reactions to me and my work as well.

Friday- I babysat in the morning, napped in the afternoon, went to the gym for far too long and hung out with the Pilot. I embraced not having a babysitting job for that Friday evening, by not stressing about the money and looking at the time as a precious gift.

Saturday- Friday's precious gift of time turned into a 500 calorie-loss at the gym which then turned itself into it's own little Saturday morning birthday present. My lowest weight in over 4 years! 163.7!!! I whooped and hollered, made the Pilot come and look so that I knew I wasn't delirious. I wasn't delirious and promptly suited up to head to the gym again.

Also, got all the supplies ready for the party I did decided to throw myself. I tested the waters early in the week, seeing who would be available on Saturday night to hang out and those most important to me were all available or made every effort to make themselves available. I ended up in my parents newly re-converted living room and dining room with 5 friends, my brother, his girlfriend, the Pilot and my parents occasionally peeking their heads in to say hello and chat. It was the definition of quality over quantity and I would not change a thing about that evening. The Pilot opened up to my friends and in return experienced how truly great the people are that I have chosen to surround myself with. They even complemented my cooking, which I can't take all the credit for. The Buffalo Chicken Dip and Pigs in a Blanket are from the Hungry Girl genius.

Sunday- My true day of relaxation. We skipped church (sinners!) and I took my time getting ready for the gym, took my time at the gym. I made no rush of anything that day. Took my time and loved it. Spent the night with the Pilot, celebrating by him cooking me dinner. Nachos, at request.

Monday- My birthday! I babysat in the morning, happily, I might add. I need the money. Then indulged in a massage, my birthday present from the Pilot. Drove to my parents house for another celebration that included, lemon chicken, again by my request, birthday cake, lots of wine and beer and home videos.

Tuesday- Came too soon after Monday night's late night festivities but I was ready to face the week. Not to mention, receiving one last present, an Emotion Focused Body Therapy session with a friend who induced an emotional clearing for my new year of life.

It was the perfect birthday weekend! I went into my Tuesday sessions with a re-newed sense of self, a confidence I was unfamiliar with, but loved and embraced and a new sense of calm and self-awareness.

Random thoughts of the day

2009-12-03T10:29:00.000-06:00

ALL my work clothes are too big. While this should be a cause for celebration, I'm angry and bitter because I cannot afford new ones.
It has been one month since I've eaten fast food! Does Subway count?
I did not go to the gym last night. So much for learning my lesson.

10 lbs down- Operation update

2009-12-02T15:47:00.000-06:00

I am 10 lbs lighter. BUT, I still have 10 more to go before we leave for Orlando on January 7th! That's a little over a month, with major holidays thrown in there. No holiday treats for me this year.

Thanksgiving was a rough day. I ate and ate and ate. I was not even hungry at dinner time and still managed to lick the plate clean. I felt awful before, during and afterwards. But when I feel guilty about my eating habits, I usually just eat more, it makes no sense.

This past week has been an intense battle, both physically and emotoinally. I did not like how I was feeling in either realm and discomfort with my emotions would feed on the discomfort physically or vice versa. Things were spiraling out of control. Carbs seemed to be one answer and laziness was the other.

I am recovering this week and looking back on last week in horror and disgust. But, awareness is 9/10 of the battle. I. Am. Aware. I do NOT want to be like that. I did not like the way I felt then. And I do not like the way I feel now (thinking about it). I do not like that I have overcome so much and still sabatoge my progress.

I have got to make my health a priority and figure out how to fit the workouts into a routine; around practicum, babysitting and sleep. I am having serious scheduling difficulties. I need a decent amount of sleep, and therefore can not force myself up early in the morning to get the workout in before practicum. And I leave practicum so late at night, that the gym is usually only open for an hour by the time I get there. I am making excuses, not finding solutions. Ugh!

I have got to take a long hard look at what I am going through and re-prioritize.
Have you ever done a major life re-prioritizing? Any tips?

Healthy enough to run an 8k

2009-09-27T17:08:00.000-05:00

I had my annual physical this week. And received all good news. I've lost 10 lbs since my physical last year and have high cholesterol because my good cholesterol is through the roof high. It's falsely elevated!

My weight this week has maintained itself at the mid 160's place, but I am still working. I ran an 8k race this morning in 53:22 and I allowed the Pilot to whip me into shape at the gym on Friday. I have also been incorporating more Yoga into my training plan.

Sidebar, I'm so excited to have Biggest Loser back in my life! It is so motivating!

I'm tired. On a whim, the Pilot and I went out until 4am on Friday night, I babysit until 1am this morning and then woke up at 6:40 to leave for the race. I keep having plans to work on practicum stuff and I have not done so all weekend. And when I say I'm just gonna rest and relax I end up not doing that either. My eyes are burning because I'm so tired!

I'm looking forward to ordering my pear and gorgonzola pizza from California Pizza Kitchen for dinner and eating my cookie jar blizzard for dessert. I had alcohol on Friday night and now I'm ready for another 3 weeks without it. And after a debilitating headache on Wednesday night I have decided to give up coffee for a little while again; back to green tea. I confess, though, I might have to squeeze in a pumpkin spice latte here or there ;-)

I've had a couple of babysitting jobs for date nights which are barely holding me over financially. However, tomorrow I have an interview for hopefully something a little bit more permenant. I need/want the money to pay off my debt and then hopefuly pursue a new dream I've got cooking!

GO STEELERS! The Pilot and I went to the embrassing Steelers vs. Bears game. Obviously, we do not agree on who to root for. I wish I could say the Steelers are looking better this week, but they really aren't.

I registered to run an 8k on Sunday! #win5000

2009-09-25T11:55:00.001-05:00

Make a Proclamation and be entered to win $5,000 to pursue your dream! Enter daily and bring friends to increase your chances of winning. There are weekly prizes too. No purchase necessary.

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dropping weight

2009-09-19T16:22:00.000-05:00

This morning I weighed:

It was the rocky road ice cream dessert I had yesterday ;-)

Yesterday was uneventful. I had to have dinner provided for me while I was babysitting. Luckily, Cindy had just made a HUGE batch of vegetarian soup. It was very good and filling! Unfortunately, I came home and snacked on a couple of things.

I'm feeling incredibly dehydrated, but the taste of water just is not cutting it right now. I hate that! I can proudly report, however, that I have not had a sip of alcohol in about three weeks! Two weeks before the half I decided to stop until after the race, but I did not really miss it, I was not craving it, and it was not what I needed to celebrate my running success, so I still have not had any!

I finally forced myself to do my first "post-race-not-training-for-anything" weights workout. I did 1 exercise (3 sets of 8) for each major muscle group. I even managed to challenge myself a little bit, which included trying a dumbbell chest press with 25lbs (after 5, I couldn't do anymore and basically dropped the weight on my boob!).

I was hoping the urge to run would strick me. But it was just too hot in the gym to hop on the treadmill because it's game day and I had to work out in my Florida State gear (which is a pants outfit). So basically I chose fashion over working out ;-)

We've got big black and gold plans for tomorrow! I can't wait to tell you all about it.

Cindy can do it, So can I

2009-09-19T08:57:00.001-05:00

I need to master this! Congratulations to Cindy, who already has!

BIG changes

2009-09-18T11:26:00.000-05:00

I was a very happy girl this morning! This morning my post-run weight was:

On top of that spectacular weight, I ran 3 miles in 32:44! My run on Tuesday was 34:10. My after half-marathon goal is to really speed up my 5k times and these 2 runs make it look like I'm moving in the right direction.

How can I have an after half-marathon goal, you ask? Well, because I completed my first half on Sunday!!

This is my best friend and I after completing the run in 2:48:32. It was her second half-marathon and she can run much faster than me, but she was by my side the whole time, cheering me on and we crossed the finish line together. The Pilot finished in 1:41!! We passed him during an out and back portion of the race and it gave me a smile for miles!

Hopefully, you've noticed the name change on the blog. I realized if I wanted to increase readership, titling my blog "I don't know what I'm doing" probably was not the way to get people to stop by and check it out. I am also really going to start chronicling on three major areas of my life. First up, follow along as I finish up my masters degree and transition into the real world of therapy! Second, continue to watch me run as a means to remain healthy. I am also trying to lose weight but I do not know if this will turn into a daily food blog like so many of the blogs featured in my blog roll. Lastly, I will post (sometimes) about what is going on in my life as me and the Pilot rediscover our Catholic faith together. RCIA anyone?

If you start to like what you see going on around here, please comment and spread my name throughout the blogworld!

name change help!

2009-09-17T22:52:00.001-05:00

There are blogs I read daily because the authors of those blogs manage to post daily. I want to do that!

Until, I can figure out a way to fit that into my schedule I'll leave you with a peek at what is keeping me so busy; Practicum.

I think I might have fixed my camera, so check back to see how Operation 2-0-rlando is going.

I want change the title of my blog. It turns out do know what I am doing and I would like to convey that, so that people actually read the blog. Any ideas?

let the cleverness ensue

2009-08-20T20:23:00.004-05:00

Operation 2-0-rlando!!

Get it?! I have to lose two-oh (20) pounds to go to Orlando ;-) Clever?

This morning my weight was exactly the same as yesterdays! I am fine with that. After breakfast, lunch and a 5 mile run I had actually lost weight.

Today I weighed:
172.2

Dinner was yummy tacos cooked by my glorious boyfriend. Who, then, tried to deny me beer! It's lite beer- back off Pilot!

Motivation was tough to come by today. Being lazy just seems to be easier, you know? After going back and forth a million times about whether or not to run, I got my ass in gear and made a decision to just hop on the treadmill and do it. I told myself I would go until I could not anymore and ended up running 5 miles in 56:23! How is that for an amazing turn around?! I also did more ab work; 20 reps of each exercise.

I sold some clothes to Plato's Closet this week. On a positive note, I took the money to pay down my credit card debt, but I am kind of sad because I sold the dress I wore on my first date with the Pilot. He didn't even like it, but I'm sentimental and I feel like I shouldn't have gotten rid of it so hastily. Boo!

broken cameras & rain will not slow me down

2009-08-19T22:02:00.002-05:00

I stepped on the scale this morning and my camera would NOT turn on! So now, I have to (gasp!) actually type this morning's weight. Which is fine because it is less than yesterdays ;-)

Today I weighed:
172.9!!!

I had to babysit all day today so I packed my Vera Bradley lunchbox to the brim with goodies. However, after a delayed train (due to inclement weather) put me behind schedule, I had to buy dinner. A sandwich from Corner Bakery won and I only ate half of it!

20 is my magic number; so this morning I did several different ab exercises at 2 sets of 20. I have got to find fun and interesting ways to keep my eyes on the prize. Incorporating the number 20, as much as possible, into everything I do is 1 way I intend to do that.

"In the distance the clanging electronic bell of the Fremont Bridge announced its impending ascension and Mira imagined the small blue expanse rising in the misty morning like a backhanded salute to Seattle's crazed morning commuters."
Chapter 18 of "Love and Biology at the Center of the Universe" contained this wonderfully written sentence and I wanted to share it; just 'cause.

20 lbs in 20 weeks

2009-08-18T17:01:00.003-05:00

My crazy boyfriend is running the Goofy Challenge in Orlando next January. We have been planning a vacation to surround this adventure since this January. In a fit of hallucinations during a 20 mile run on Sunday the Pilot decided to strike me a deal-

Lose 20 pounds by the day we leave and he will fund the whole trip!!!

He got tired of hearing me complain about wanting to lose weight and doing nothing about it. Most recently, I've actually cried and called myself ugly, but continued to stuff my face with nachos!! He realized that nothing motivates more than money and voila!

I have 21 weeks from today to succeed.

Last night I weighed:

This morning I weighed:

What a difference 12 hours makes!

I'm watching my calories, but not denying myself anything. So far today I've had 1/4 cup of egg beaters, 4 slices of turkey bacon, Dannon yogurt mixed with fiber one cereal, a handful of almonds, 100 calorie bagel topped with hummus and cucumber slices, english muffin with whipped butter and a Kashi dark chocolate coconut bar. I'm stuffed! But looking forward to chili for dinner!

In addition to starting this challenge today I ran sprints and made it around the track once in 00:01:56!! I am ready to make some serious changes.

I'm hoping to win awesome goodies from I Run I sweat to help me along in this process!

Insomnia

2009-08-18T00:38:00.003-05:00

Stress battles my body and always wins. If I am too stressed for too long, I get sick. Or I suffer from serious sleep disturbances.

My father lost his job on Friday and the first question the Pilot asked was, "Are you going to be able to sleep tonight?" Yesterday morning, I woke up slightly before my 5:30 alarm to a boyfriend saying, "I'm wide awake and I have watching you try to sleep for the last two hours."

He admitted that he had remained awake to stroke my back for an hour to keep me asleep. My restless sleep is, apparently, very loud. I toss and turn, grind my teeth and last night, I actually whimpered. My poor boyfriend!!

I turned my alarm off and skipped my last day of class, forgoing the points for a presentation due. I needed the sleep and after the decision was made the Pilot was finally able to sleep as well. I crawled out of bed at 10:30.

Now however, I can't sleep again! I'm hoping Tylenol PM is a miracle drug because the Pilot and I are in separate beds and there will be no back rubs or hands through my hair tonight. I am so blessed to have him my life.

I've caught a great guy, now if only I could catch some zzz's!

information overload & droopy eyes

2009-07-27T14:34:00.002-05:00

I caved. I joined Twitter. More so for my own entertainment, than for the need to gather followers. On Friday night, I found myself carrying on internal dialogue in the form of tweets or Facebook status updates, so Saturday morning I joined, so I could stop talking to myself in fragmented sentences.

Staring at the computer screen to write papers, tweet or blog is making my eyes tired. But, even worse I am just physically and mentally exhausted. All. The. Time.

The Pilot says it is because of my new intense (half-marathon) training schedule. If that is the case, I am screwed. I am beginning to lose my energy to follow that. I am canceling plans with very understanding friends. I am crying over spilled milk. I am going to bed angry at the Pilot because he isn't tired and therefore I'm tossing and turning with the light on. I am over-scheduling and under-performing. I am guzzling coffee to the point of shaking. I feel like I cannot catch a break and get ahead. My to-do lists are enormous and continue to grow, despite successfully completing some tasks.

My emotional response to my move has been unexpected and overwhelming. Many issues are arising within me that warrant a, "I'll have to work on that," insight response. So add self-improvement to the to-do list.

All in all, I am tired of being tired.

New Digs. New Determination.

2009-07-22T00:03:00.002-05:00

At the end of May my roommate and I packed up our "too small" apartment in "too far away" Lincoln Square and moved into a huge garden apartment in "trendy" Wicker Park. Three weeks later, I received a frantic phone call from my roommate, "the apartment is flooding."

So...I moved back in with my parents. For more reasons than a flooded, mold-growing apartment. But for reasons too personal to disclose here. The Pilot discussed the situation in eloquent fashion, "If not biblical, it's certainly literary. A flood. Then re-birth."

I'm adjusting to the new living situation, slowly. But the one thing keeping me sane is my determination to throw myself completely into my half marathon training. That's right, after one successful 8 mile run I decided I had enough distance behind me to spend the money and run 13.1 miles in September.

I have so many blog ideas running through my head. It is so hard to get them down as quickly as I think of them. I promise to write more regularly- especially to update on my half-marathon training progress.

Good luck out there ;-)
(That's an ode to Ben, btw)

"Speedracer"

2009-05-12T20:07:00.007-05:00

Me holding up my 5K medal from a race in Champaign-Urbana. I finished in 34:39.

Running the Race to Wrigley; captured via my Dad's cell phone! Finished in 36:12.

Before the Walk to Empower/United 5K Breast Cancer Mother's Day event. Finished that race in my fastest time yet, 31:51!

Crying confession

2009-05-11T00:12:00.002-05:00

The other night, I was visiting the Pilot's 3 month old niece, who spent the whole time in my arms crying. I've decided she doesn't like me, but other possibilities could be that she doesn't see me enough or that I'm too loud when I'm around her. None of that is important, however, compared to how I felt while I was watching her cry and trying my damnedest to comfort her.

I was overwhelmed with a feeling of jealousy! I want to be able to just sit and cry for endless minutes until someone comes and solves my problem.

I've been fighting intense emotions all week. Several times those emotions would spill out of my eyes and I barely let them flow (never for longer than 3 minutes). I would stop myself from letting the crying get out of control. And while the Pilot was fantastic at comforting me, there is no way he can just swoop in and solve my problem.

As an adult, I have always felt that sobbing is an inappropriate response to problems. Crying will not solve your problems. Intellectual reasoning ability will. I will allow myself cry, but only briefly and never the way a baby does. But I really want to.

I just want to be a kid again; cry carelessly, feel the warmth of the tears on my cheeks, receiving comforting hugs and not allow the waterworks to stop until it's all better. Being an adult presents all new problems, but some of them require just as many tears as childhood difficulties did.

I was jealous. Jealous of a 3 month old. I could feel in my bones how badly I wanted to let it out the way she was. Unfortunately, I still haven't.

My cinco de Mayo- no alcohol included

2009-05-06T16:34:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was the kind of day that unfolded perfectly. And that was exactly what I needed after an extremely eventful and emotionally charged weekend.

I woke up a little bit before my alarm and was able to roll over and cuddle with the Pilot for a couple special minutes.
When my alarm finally went off, I was able to get out of bed well rested and actually ready to start the day.
I was on time!!!
I walked into the morning sunshine and warmth, wearing flip flops, over sized sunglasses and clutching a large cup of coffee.
The girls I babysit for mistaking the Pink song that started playing on the radio for one performed by Hannah Montana or iCarly.
My therapist miraculously having an appointment available for a much needed, emergency visit.
The Pilot inviting me to spend the night with him.
The Pilot getting off of work early.
Taking advantage of the nice weather by grilling burgers and eating outside with the Pilot.
Biggest Loser Tuesday
Reading my unexpectedly enjoyable Chicken Soup for the Catholic Soul book.
Skipping my run, just cuz!

Shamrock Shitshow

2009-03-30T19:38:00.004-05:00

The weather yesterday morning for my first 8k race did not cooperate (in the opinion of this novice runner). The snow and ice started falling the night before. Then the weather forecaster mentioned that the windchill would be in the teens throughout much of the race due to the 20 mph winds!!

The winds, the cold temperature and the precipitation packed a 1, 2 (and 3) punch that I just could not handle. After much consideration, I made the difficult decision to stay home and not run my race. Then I reached a mental compromise. I would not run outside in the less than desirable conditions but the Pilot and I would trek to the gym and I would run the 4.97 miles on the treadmill. I finished my race in 59:35!

My gym has recently been asking members to reveal why they exercise. I came up with my reason this week; I exercise so I can drink Yuengling.

Yes, the picture you see is a glass cabinet in my kitchen filled with nothing but Yuengling. This delicious beer is only sold regionally and Chicago is not a region they disrupt too. Due to these unfortunate circumstances, every time I am in a place where this beer can be purchased I buy a couple of cases.

During a recent trip to Pittsburgh I bought 3 cases and came home to discover the only place I could store the bottles was on display in the cabinet. My roommate loved the idea and now all my beer drinking bliss can be seen by any guest that walks from the kitchen to the bathroom.

I can also officially say that I exercise to deserve every 150 calories found in that beer. Today marked the first day of a new training program crafted specially for me by the Pilot (complete with an excel spreadsheet and color-coded exercise groupings). In addition to running, this 12 week training program also includes weight training. I will be running 4 days a week and working with weights 3 days a week.

If I am successful, at the end of this 12 weeks I will be fully trained to run a half marathon (I have not registered yet, but I am still considering it) and my personal weight loss goal is to be 12 lbs lighter.

winning weight loss battles and the diet war

2009-03-24T09:58:00.002-05:00

For Lent I gave up fried food.

I wanted my Lenten promise to be something health related because so much of my life is currently revolving around that topic anyways. I considered giving up fast food but then the fear of God struck me; would that include Subway?! Their $5 footlongs have been a diet and wallet savior the last month or so. Then the Pilot asked what my real food weakness was and I realized it was yummy food (loosely translated into fried food). I love greasy bar food, anything cutely named crispy, and french fries (preferably loaded with cheese and chili)!

So I made a commitment to degrease my insides. I just picture God unclogging my arteries (I do, after all, come from a long line of nightmarish genetics predisposing me to Heart Disease) as motivation to keep me going. Oh that and Jesus in a desert for 40 days and 40 nights!

This sacrifice has not been that hard to remain committed too, except this past Friday night. Trouble occurred while at the Foundry watching Florida State take on Wisconsin in their first March Madness appearance since the 80's.

Due to the March Madness madness the Foundry had compiled a smaller menu of things they were willing to make, with no additions, subtractions or substitutions. On the menu was all the usual bar food suspects, but my Lenten promise coupled with no-meat Fridays made choosing dinner incredibly difficult. Most of the fish options were fried (think fish n' chips), most of the appetizers were fried, and almost all of the main entrees were meat or chicken dishes. It came down to 2 options (that's all!), the tuna melt or caesar salad sans chicken.

I ordered the tuna melt and asked the waitress to remove the tomatoes and give me a side salad instead of homemade (fried) chips or fries. That is when I was informed of the no additions, subtractions of substitutions rule. I peeled off my own tomatoes and gave all the chips to the Pilot.

Questions came from the Pilot's friend, "Do you always eat this healthy?" I giggled and replied, rolling my eyes, "No way!" Although, I will admit it felt nice to be mistaken for a health freak. Nicer, though, than being believed to be a healthy person was my own sense of accomplishment for ordering a meatless, non-fried dish and asking for a side salad then NOT eating a single homemade chip when I was informed that a salad was not an option.

The even better news is that my Foundry experience was not the first diet and weight loss battle I won.

I quickly learned that I was going to be a person who needed to eat every few hours, even if I did not feel hungry because once the hungry did hit, I went immediately to starving (and that is when the cravings begin). One afternoon while babysitting I did not have my usual bag full of snacks and I could not find anything in the house that was calorie-friendly enough to eat. First mini-battle won; I did not give into my hunger and cravings by eating something unhealthy or loaded with empty calories. I found inner strength to wait until after babysitting to eat. However, as the minutes ticked by all I could think about was where I would stop on my way home to purchase dinner. Taco Bell sounded good, as did a double cheeseburger from McDonalds. Second mini-battle won; I ended up at the grocery store! I am still not consciously aware of how that decision came about but there I was and I went straight to the snack aisle and opened a 100 calorie pack of multi-grain wheat thin crisps (should have grabbed carrots instead, but I still consider it a win). They gave me the fuel I needed to plan a better alternative to a fast food meal. For dinner that night I made my own cheeseburger; english muffin, spicy mustard, boca burger, fat-free cheese and romaine lettuce with apple slices subbing for french fries.

I cooked breakfast for the Pilot and I yesterday morning. Multi-grain pancakes and a heaping fruit salad. I told him if he wanted bacon (more specifically turkey bacon) or eggs he was on his own, I would not be cooking those sort of things. I tried to eat the fruit salad first but the fear of cold pancakes consumed me and I drizzled on the syrup. Not the healthiest choice for breakfast and I think it doomed me for the rest of the day. I was hungry all day and did not have the strength to ignore my cravings. Third mini-battle won; while I ate a bagel with regular cream cheese in a crab craving binge I just said to myself it was one hiccup (not the end of the world) and I could start all over again today.

Which is exactly what I did. Fourth mini-battle won; my breakfast this morning was a cup of green tea, 1 serving of liquid egg substitute (prepared with butter flavored non-stick cooking spray), 1 cup of sauteed spinach (prepared the same way), 1 piece of 35 calorie wheat toast split down the middle (half covered in light whipped butter, half covered with peanut butter) and a juicy clementine. Total calories for breakfast? 181 and I am stuffed!

Fifth mini-battle won; I can run 6 miles the day after a night of large alcohol consumption! Saturday morning I woke up regretting my Miller Lites from the night before. Manageable calories but not so manageable alcohol intake! I chugged water, ate lots of carbs and I knew that running would push the headache out of my body for the remainder of the day. The Pilot came home from work and we set out to run 5 miles (the last long run in my training program before I run an 8k on Sunday). The Pilot sprinted out in front of me and was doing a leg work out (waiting for me) at the turnaround point. We began to run back the way we came. The Pilot sprinted off again and I glanced down at my watch. I could not believe I was running so slow! Then the thought hit me; I'm not running slow, the Pilot is torturing me! He met me close to the end and ran the last half mile with me, the whole time claiming it was only 5 miles. I made him map it again when we got home. "I lied to you," he said, "it was 5.9 miles." No anger here. I ran the whole thing! I ran 6 miles! And I burned 704 calories while doing it!

I am down 7 lbs now and seriously considering signing up for the Chicago half-marathon in September. After all, I can already run about half of it!

Have you turned a corner?

2009-03-17T10:05:00.001-05:00

I think I have.

After running the Turkey Trot I took a break. A 10 week break. I kept setting goals and putting them off in an "I'll start my new training plan on Monday" fashion. I had many excuses and no real reason for taking the break. It happened and now it is over.

With the prompting of a few friends/colleagues I signed up for the Shamrock Shuffle; under the assumption that spending the money to register for a race would be the push I needed to start training again. It was and it was not.

I trained for the first 3 weeks half-heartedly and without fire and drive in my eyes (that according to the Pilot). I would skip cross training workouts and not stretch properly before and after runs. There were many psychological and emotional reasons for this lax approach to training (another blog will clarify those).

On Monday of week 4, I reached a tear-filled psychological breaking point complete with a phone call to my Dad claiming "I'm never gonna be able to do it" and yet another conversation with the Pilot, in which he told me I could do it and I argued the point. Then the change occurred.

Thanks to the Pilot's amazing internet searching abilities, I signed up for the Self.com 2009 Challenge. It is a free way to calculate caloric intake with a food diary and burned calories on the workout log. It also provided me with a manageable strength routine.

Since that day, I have counted my calories, cooked (yes cooked!) edible low calorie foods (thanks to The Hungry Girl), had 9 successful runs reaching a new distance of 4.3 miles, I am doing my strength and cross training workouts, bought 2 new pairs of running shoes, signed up for 2 more 5k races (Wrigley and Illinois) and lost 6 pounds!

Maybe turning a corner will result in more blog posts.

Trotting for Turkey

2008-11-30T09:23:00.000-06:00

It is kinda hard to see. There was a huge mass of people. But if you look closely enough you can see me and the Pilot crossing this finish line of my first 5K! The picture was taken by my father, who braved the cold (reminder- he a recovering heart surgery patient) and stood outside throughout the whole race to see me start and finish! There were other spectators there just for us. My cousin kept my dad company at the start/finish line. My mom and aunt strategically placed themselves at the half-way point and members of the Pilot's family also crowded the finish line to yell our names.

I did it. I ran the entire distance. I did not stop. I did not give up. I did not even really complain. But, once again, I had the Pilot by my side, supporting me and talking about everything under the sun to keep my mind off the pain shooting through my hamstrings. Then we crossed the finish line together at 36 minutes and 19 seconds. Although on the race results website they listed me as finishing 2 ahead of him!

This is me crying tears of joy at the finish line. I had no idea that was going to happen but the flood gates opened and I was so proud of myself. 3 months of training had finally culminated in the completion of this race and the tears streaming down my face.

I wore my race t-shirt all day. The Pilots family joined my family at my parent's home for formal introductions and breakfast. I made cranberry-orange relish and was able to proudly declare, "I contributed to Thanksgiving dinner." My abnormally loud family was silenced by the delicious food my mother had prepared. I joined the Pilot's family at his parent's home for pie, wine, Rummikub and good conversation. I read all the sale flyers and found the perfect present for the Pilot and then bounded out of bed at 6am Friday morning to go buy it.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, but, by far, this year's celebration takes the cake (or pie)!

Who I am

2008-11-10T21:52:00.005-06:00

These lyrics have always struck a nerve with me. Maybe it wasn't the lyrics but the passion and conviction in which Jessica Andrews sings about knowing herself. It was definitely a quality I could admire and be jealous of. I didn't know, until recently, who I was.

For many years many of my interests and identity was dictated by the interests of my boyfriends (cars, music, etc...) and some of my mannerisms closely mirrored those of friends that I admired. In the past 9 months, that has all changed. I have finally matured into the person I always wanted to be and I can confidently say that I love myself and I know exactly who I am.

I'm a saint and I'm a sinner
I'm a loser, I'm a winner
I'm steady and unstable
I'm young but I am able

I am a runner. I am a Catholic, working every Sunday (and occasional weekdays) to restore my faith. I am a student. I am a friend. I am a daughter. I am a woman (with a figure I am finally starting to appreciate). I am a girlfriend. I am a listener. I am a planner. I am one half of a happy, healthy and mature relationship. I am an individual. I am a roommate. I am a laugher. I am a blogger. I am confident. I am a reader. I am a writer. I am a dreamer. I am a cynic. I am a sister. I am a Chicagoan. I am a Seminole. I am a Floridian. I am a goal setter. I am a goal achiever. I am growing. I am a work in progress (steady and unstable/ young but able). I am happy.

I am Rosemary's granddaughter*
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My mommas still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

I am Joanna- that's who I am.

*My grandmother's name was Mary. However, all the rest of the lyrics ring very true.

Obama, you da bomb!

2008-11-05T19:13:00.006-06:00

I want to remember yesterday forever!

In 2004 I cast my vote for John Kerry in Florida. The state did not end up electing him and neither did the country. But last Thursday, I stood in line for 2.5 hours to vote early in Illinois for Barak Obama. This time the state and country agreed with me and made history happen right before my very eyes.

I held back tears of joy. I celebrated my victory with a cold bottle of Coors Lite. I enjoyed John McCain's concession speech; not only because it was not a victory speech but because he was gracious and supportive and a human, not a politician. I listened to President Elect Obama speak to my fellow Chicagoans in a park only blocks from where I attend school. I silently wished I was at Grant Park experiencing this history first hand. I cuddled with my republican boyfriend with respect, affection and admiration, not drawing any attention to our political differences; I had made my choice and he made his and no amount of arguing (although, we did our fair share prior) is going to change anything now. I watched FOX News. I watched MSNBC. I ate popcorn and watched a movie. I went to sleep with a smile on my face and woke up with a sense of calm and peace.

I am proud to be an American.

Fun in the Sun

2008-09-02T12:22:00.003-05:00

I have just wrapped up what can only be described as one of the best summers of my life and here are the...

TOP 20 REASONS

20. Buying my bike
19. Making major life decisions (the details of which are to be disclosed in an upcoming blog)
18. Kane County Cougars game
17. Eating as many lunch and dinners outside as possible
16. The parks, pools. and bike paths in St. Charles
15. Pirates vs. Brewers game
14. Great America
13. Plain White T's concert and dinner at Taste of Chicago
12. Cubs game and wild times at the local park ;-)
11. Lincoln Park Zoo/Conservatory
10. Bottles of champagne at Marche and wide-eyed wonderment at Kooza
9. Dinner at Wildfire wearing my favorite "little black dress" and the "Cupid Has A Heart On" show
8. Maroon 5, Sara Bareilles and Counting Crows concert
7. Watching the Pilot run the 10k Nike Human Race and the Fall Out Boy concert
6. Discovering that I can run and setting my first 5k goal
5. Sara and Jerry's wedding
4. Jimmy Buffett concert
3. The Signature Lounge
2. Jersey Boys, nachos at Rock Bottom and dinner at India House
1. Meeting the Pilot

The Pilot's Top 3? The Cubs game, Kooza and Jersey Boys.

It is time to see what activities the fall has to offer.

Run Joanna Run

2008-08-14T22:32:00.002-05:00

Most of you are aware of my single-minded sports obsession. Anyone, (me) who starts watching NASCAR races because they need something to fill their Sundays with after football season is over and stops watching them once baseball seasons begins, clearly has a "sports problem." However my need for mental stimulation via my visual intake of the sports programming has not translated into any physical capabilities (or desires really).

UNTIL NOW!
Because of the healthy competition, because I so admire The Pilot's dedication to and motivation for his marathon training, and because my father ended up in the hospital this week I decided to fully dedicate myself to a running plan The Pilot has shown me.

The running workout is structured as follows:
5 minutes warm-up
1 minute run fast pace
2 minutes run medium pace
1 minute run fast pace
2 minutes run medium pace
1 minute run fast pace
2 minutes run medium pace
5 minutes cool down

The first couple attempts at this "running thing" looked more like my miles did back in high school; a little bit of running and A LOT of walking. My medium runs were much more like power walking (or just walking. No running) and my 1 minute fast runs were probably a speed thought to be more appropriate for the medium runs. On Tuesday that all changed. After getting yet another, "your dad is in the hospital" phone call from my mother I found the motivation I really needed to get the ball rolling (haha- sports analogy).

During Tuesday's run I realized that I could actually run all 9 required running minutes! No medium pace equaling power walking. There were faster paces and slower paces but all 540 seconds were at running paces. Then today I decided to pay attention to the distance that I ran during those 9 minutes and it turns out I was able to actually run 3/4 of a mile! In high school, I couldn't even complete a 1/4 mile. It may seem small and insignificant to some of you but it's an amazing victory for me! And I want to go back and do it again!

I'm so excited about possibly establishing a running routine that I made playlists on my ipod! Each day that I am scheduled to run (Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday or Sunday) has it's own 19 minute playlist complete with warm-up and cool down songs. The songs played during my 9 minutes of running are upbeat songs sung by artists whose bodies I envy (Fergie, Madonna). A special note of thanks to GR for giving me that idea. But some of the songs also have a motivational quality to them. For example, today during my last 3 minute set I never thought I was gonna make it but then "Gotta Get Thru This" by Daniel Bedingfield came on. How appropriate! I got through it and now I'm here to brag!

My other appropriate reactions to my father's hospitalization was to choose to stop tanning indoors (I canceled my membership!), wear more SPF when I'm tanning outdoors and go see a Dermatologist at my earliest convenience.

I do want kids. And I want to be healthy for them. So that they won't have the constant fear of losing me that I am currently encased in regarding my dad.

Thanks for all your help AJR. Loke you.

grudge match

2008-08-04T21:45:00.002-05:00

When I am wronged one of two things happens; I hold a grudge (forever) or I let it roll off my back. Recently, I've come to realized that the established pattern is, I hold grudges against women and look the other way when I am wronged by men.

My grudge-holding capabilities came up recently in a conversation with The Pilot because I'm finding myself still slightly angry at a friend for an occurrence over a month ago. The conversation started out calmly while I explained to him that I have been known to do this before; remain irrationally angry at someone for a long time. I gave my favorite grudge holding example. Soon he could literally see my blood pressure rising and my blood boiling over. He abruptly stopped the convo. I'm assuming he got my point.

My favorite grudge holding example:
Sophomore year of college I was in the ideal living situation. I was finally in an apartment where I got to choose my roommates (something that had not occurred the previous year). I was living with a close friend from "high school," GR, and a "co-worker." We were all getting along. We had decorated the common room and even spent time in it (together)!

Then winter break came. "Co-worker," GR and I returned from our various permanent residences to no "high school."

*Warning* What happens next may not be exactly accurate but it is how my angry little brain remembers it.

There is a knock at the door. Maybe it's "high school" with no keys? Nope. It's mutual friends from the apartment complex coming to commiserate because "high school" is moving out. This was of course the first I (or GR or "Co-worker") had heard of such a thing! The long and short of it is, "high school" never bothered to actually tell us she was leaving, I guess she felt that us hearing it from mutual friends was sufficient enough. I, however, do not believe it was sufficient and told her so in a very carefully worded and maybe slightly verbally abusive e-mail. She came to move her stuff out in the middle of the night (give or take 8 hours) and uttered 3 words to me (I was the only one not working) as she was walking out the door. I have not talked to her (nor do I ever plan to talk to her again) since! The end.

The night of the grudge conversation I had a string of various weirdly related dreams. The first dream included the embodiment of the first girl I ever held a grudge against; someone who I called a friend but was the "other women" during a Monkey cheating escapade (Sidebar; notice how I held a grudge (and continue to do so) against this girl but dated Monkey for another 6 months or so). The second dream included The Pilot's Ex; who I hold no grudge against and neither does he (by the way my characterization of her looked exactly like America Ferrera). In this dream The Pilot refused to let the Ex know about us and cast me aside during more than one scene in the dream.

Insecurities. That's what these two dreams have in common. I feel (felt) insecure about Monkey and The Pilot's relationships with these women and with me. So I've begun to wonder do grudges stem from insecurities? Or do insecurities stem from the anger fueling grudges?

Happy and having fun

2008-07-27T20:09:00.003-05:00

I bought hot silver pumps to go with my "smokey teal" wear-to-weddings dress and now I'm completely obsessed with them.
The previously mentioned dressed blessed me with many compliments and two broken straps which were fixed in MacGyver fashion with paperclips.
The healthy competition between The Pilot and I has turned into more of a support group than a competition. Complete with him finding me a bookmark folder full of 9 diet and exercise websites and a 10 mile bike ride and picnic last weekend.
I've started running sprints!
Big Brother is back.
Kooza and Marche on Friday.
Sports with smarts and wit.
"It's better to be a first rate version of yourself than a second rate version of someone else."
Holland, Michigan or Sandusky, Ohio?
Jimmy Buffett concert.
Working diligently on a "friends with exes" blog.

healthy competition

2008-07-14T23:32:00.001-05:00

The Pilot runs marathons. I write marathon e-mails. The Pilot rides his bike almost daily. I ride the brown line almost daily. The Pilot is a black belt in Taekwondo. I own a black belt. The Pilot wants to lose 6 pounds for vanity purposes. I need to lose 6 (or more) pounds to be healthy.

So naturally we made this a competition. Whoever loses 6 pounds first wins. Although it has not quite been decided what we will win, the competition started today. Fittingly the start of this competition falls on the 4 month anniversary of me giving up coffee and pop. For me, losing 6 pounds seems like the next logical step.

Ready. Set. Go!

In-between

2008-07-12T11:52:00.003-05:00

The english language is not beautiful sounding, eloquently delivered or full of enough vocabulary words to express emotions. The lack of emotional descriptors in my native tongue coupled with my "all or nothing" or "black or white" thinking is making my current gray relationship zone particularly uncomfortable.

In high school (and college) I remember saying "I love you" (to not just 1 but 3 boyfriends!) after only a month. Looking back on it I know I did not love them at that moment. And sometimes I wonder if I ever loved them at all. I've decided that I loved them as best anyone can at 14, 16 and 19. However, I digress, the point is I said it way to early and now I know why; there are no words to say during those wildly perfect silent moments that occur while gazing into each other's eyes (I swear it does happen, just like in the movies) early on in the relationship.

Now, I am 24 and have been dating The Pilot for 2 months and haven't uttered those 3 words; actually I haven't even thought them. What I have thought is that I "more than like" him. And my immediate next thought is, how do I verbalize that? When you "more than like" someone but less than love them how do you say that?

"I really like you" sounds cheesy or juvenile. So I've been saying "you make me happy." I have also tossed out an "I enjoy our time together" a couple of times. Instead of saying something, should I just relish those silent moments for what they are; a representation of the lack of words available to articulate my current thoughts and feelings?

But shouldn't there be a word? Just one word to place on the continuum between like and love?

tick tock

2008-07-09T19:43:00.003-05:00

What is that sound? It vibrates in my abdomen and tugs at my heart strings. Wait- it can't be my biological clock, can it?!

My life goals when it comes to children have varied from "I want 4" to "I'm not suited to be a mother." Currently I've landed somewhere in middle and say, "it's a decision about my future I haven't made yet." However, dating someone older who has blatantly stated, "I want children with every fiber of being" is not only a very attractive quality but it also brings the topic to the forefront of my brain.

I am obsessed with the NBC show "The Baby Borrowers." I was appalled at the idea originally but now I can't avert my eyes. Do I want to be a "young" (I still struggle with believing I'm a full blown adult at times) mom?

Recently I find myself pointing out all the cute babies in their awesome summer outfits to the Pilot as we walk past them on the way to dinner. I say "aww," smile wide, wave and laugh as the babies giggle and explore the world. I can feel my heart grow.

I babysit 3 days a week and the differences I see from week to week are constantly amazing me. Not only are the kids changing, but I am too. I find myself more patient, more creative, more concerned for safety and more able to communicate effectively (on the children's level) with each passing week.

I learned about this website today- totlol- and I think that I find it more entertaining than youtube.

As it stands right now, I still have no idea what my future holds. I suspect the decision will unfold naturally if I find the person I want to share my life and procreate with.

I have made one serious decision in this department though; no children will be born into my family until I finish school ;-)

The second city is first in my heart

2008-07-08T19:05:00.003-05:00

I am officially a resident of the city of Chicago and the state of Illinois.

After living here for (only) a year and half I was forced, by my auto insurance company, to get an Illinois drivers license. I studied. Passed the test. Took a horrible picture (complete with unruly hair and shinny skin!). Now I carry around an insanely ugly (compared to my gloriously beautiful Florida drivers license) ID that shows my Chicago northside address.

I am also now a registered voter in the city of Chicago. Which is very important given the looming election (just a reminder Obama '08!). As history says, Chicago residences vote early and often ;-) How fun to be part of such a politically savvy city!

I bought a bike!! Chicago is a very bike friendly city. It's all part of my attempt to incorporate exercise into my life, without realizing it. Plus gas prices are insane and I am only living on a graduate student's budget.

Today I joined the park district. I can exercise at the fitness center 2 blocks from my house for the next 3 months for only 45 dollars! I can also show up at yoga, kickboxing or step aerobics anytime and pay only 2 dollars!!

I am about to re-sign my lease; keeping me here for at least another year. I love this city!

my least favorite holiday*

2008-07-04T00:46:00.005-05:00

July 4, 2006; the description of perhaps my worst 4th of July to date. It also includes slight hints at the horrible 4th of Julys of the much distant past. The pattern is always the same. The holiday proves disappointing and therefore unlikeable (by me) because it is NEVER spent with the person I most want to spend that time with. No fireworks with Dnab, Monkey, GarBear or WDS.

This year the story takes a turn. I get to watch the fireworks with The Pilot. But I am the middle of PMS hell that is causing destruction all over my life and saving no prisoners. One prisoner is the hostess of the party I plan to attend. We are civil and no one else present at the party will know of any underlying tension. But I know it exists. And I know my feelings are hurt. But I also know I will get over it.

My main reason for hating the 4th of July is because the day/evening never turns out the way you want it to or the way you planned for it too.

Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. I am still pursuing happiness and I believe despite the tension (I'm working to diffuse the situation) celebrating the 4th of July with The Pilot will bring me one (albeit small) step closer.

*Stay tuned, there will be a similar blog posted on December 31

"If it's Sunday, it's Meet the Press"

2008-06-14T11:15:00.004-05:00

My Sunday morning routine goes as follows:
I wake up (no matter how late I was up the previous night) and make myself a cup of jasmine green tea in time for the 10 am (central time) showing of Meet the Press. I would officially start my Sunday by hearing Tim say those magic words, "If it's Sunday, it's Meet the Press" at the end of every broadcast.

I had a seriously sick obsession with Tim Russert and his insane political knowledge. For me, whatever Tim had to say about politics was the final word. I obviously ogled over every word he spoke on Sundays, but Tim on NBC was also the place I would turn to during the primary season or on any obscure weekday morning when he would make an appearance on the Today Show to discuss the political happenings in Washington D.C.

I missed last week's episode and as I watched to news coverage of Tim's untimely death yesterday all I could think about was how I missed my last chance to hear him speak those words. It seems silly to be close to tears over the death of a news anchor, but I battled them all day. They finally appeared during a tribute show on NBC last night, when Tom Brokow closed the broadcast by saying, "Do me a favor and say a prayer for Timmy, knock back a cold one and Go Bills!"

Tim, like my father, was battling heart problems. I encourage everyone to stay informed about heart disease.

Happy

2008-06-12T18:00:00.002-05:00

Most of my blogs seem to contain unhappy content, which is an unfortunate scenario because I am surprisingly content with my life right now.

At this moment on this day, to me happiness is:

GR checking my blog daily
Sipping wine
My new (fuel-efficient) car
Planning California road trips
Another Cubs win
ALL my new clothes
Summer sunshine
Not studying
Being friends with Benny-Boo
My new computer with Windows Vista
Karaoke nights at The Spot
Having plans with my friends
Reading "the classics"
Going on dates
My new phone with Windows Mobile
Eating lunch or dinner outside
Megan always answering the phone, "hey friend, how are you?"
No pop of coffee for 3 months (which is half-way to my goal)
Obama becoming the presumptive nominee of the Democratic Party
Not having financial difficulties
Cuddling
Being treated like a princess
Laughing at Poison's jokes
Alyssa's non-judgemental and unconditional love for me
Being able to sleep at night without the help of Ambien
Viva La Vida
Hearing the girls I babysit for laugh
Pillow talk
Receiving text messages that convey (in-directly) that I am being thought about
Invitations to Fox Lake
Sleeping in a king bed
Having an honest relationship
Having DTR (define the relationship) talks

Psychological Geometry

2008-05-28T21:45:00.000-05:00

Working with Relationship Triangles is the latest in a long line of textbooks that speak to me on a personal level. Drawing me in and intricately explaining every minute detail of my life; as if the book was written specifically for or about me.

Based on the Family theory presented by Murray Bowen triangles in relationships form "whenever tension exists in a dyad." Then "emotional forces begin to operate in a way that brings about a stabilizing relationship triangle."

Stop. Close your eyes and picture the triangles that exist in your life. They are easy to see once you understand the theory.

I am involved in several triangles but the most recent and prominently displayed one would be the one that exists between me, Poison and The Pilot.

The book further explains, "triangles are a short-circuiting mechanism that serves the purposes of avoiding discomfort with intimacy and of avoiding discomfort with facing conflictual issues." My triangle makes perfect sense given this explanation. I'm moving slowly and cautiously in my relationship with The Pilot. The entrance of Poison into the triangle (which is a blog of another day but does involve a concert, a dinner and a fight in the middle of Fado) is to help ease my discomfort with possible future intimacy between The Pilot and I. On the flip side, The Pilot has entered my life to relieve me of the "discomfort with facing conflictual issues" that occur between Poison and I.

Do well to remember that all of this is occurring unconsciously. Interesting stuff, isn't it?

Further down on the page containing the previous quote was an entire paragraph that completely clarified my relationship with Poison:
"Fogarty's observations of patients in his office led him to think that certain individuals may have greater tendencies toward separation anxiety or incorporation anxiety. This produces behavior that he labeled 'emotional pursuit' or 'emotional distance.' The partners of emotional pursuers perceive them as threatening incorporation, which activates the distancers' anxiety and intensifies their distancing behavior. The partners of emotional distancers perceive them as threatening abandonment (separation), triggering the pursuers' anxiety and intensifying their pursuit. The more intense the anxiety on either part, the more likely are efforts to stabilize the the dyad by activation of a triangle."

I am an emotional pursuer and Poison is an emotional distancer. I was emotionally pursuing Poison because I was afraid (rightfully so) that he would abandon me. Which only further distanced him from me. No healthy relationship can develop under these circumstances.

However, things are developing in a healthy fashion between The Pilot and I. And that is what an emotional pursuer should be looking for; something healthy. I'm going to consciously battle my unconscious tendencies to avoid intimacy and triangulate relationships.

Good-Bye Poison and "conflictual issues." Hello Pilot, intimacy and healthy pursuing!

When it rains it pours

2008-05-17T16:51:00.000-05:00

Can men smell other men's interest in me in the air?

I had my first date with The Pilot last night. And this morning, after six weeks of silence, Poison said hello by "cutely" calling me "stranger" (it had the feel of an implication that it was my fault we have not spoken for so long). Poison has a knack for this. I was spending New Year's Eve with Safety-net* when I received a text message from him after about a month of no contact.

However, he is not alone in this special skill. I had been (pseudo) dating Doc when I met Poison. And Doc, like Poison after him, disappeared for about 2 weeks. I'm not exaggerating when I say this; Doc called 7 minutes after my first phone call from Poison!

My high school boyfriends always managed to do this too. My most serious high school boyfriend, Monkey and I only dated for 10 months but we were together for 2.5 years. During all that time, I dated several other people because I thought things with Monkey and I were officially over (for real) each time. Then he would magically appear again, as if on command. I swear he could smell it in the air when I started dating or was becoming interested in someone new. Sadly, I always took him back (which got me no where). God only knows what my relationships with some of those other guys would have looked like or resulted in.

The boyfriend before Monkey, aka Dnab, did this same thing! His radar was always up and he could hear a whistle, like those only dogs can hear, whenever I was beginning my slow ascent towards getting over him by dating someone new. Although my relationship with Dnab did not last as long as my relationship with Monkey, the cycle was exactly the same (see previous paragraph about breaking up and getting back together).

I refuse to let my relationship with Poison mirror those I had with Monkey or Dnab. Our conversation this morning was pleasant but there was no discussion about what has transpired between us and there were no future plans made. I'm happy about that because The Pilot called this afternoon to tell me what a great time he had last night and that he would like to do it again sooner rather than later.

Go ahead Poison, bring on the rain showers. I'm ready and willing to say no.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent (or not so innocent).

Presidents, Pilots and Purchasing

2008-05-11T22:10:00.000-05:00

"Poison" reviews concerts for a living and one night during one of our grandiose summer plan-making talks we decided to go see The Presidents of the United States of America. That show was this past Friday. Him and I have not spoken in over a month. So we (or at least I; I have no idea what he did) did not go to the show. Total bummer.

So instead, on Friday night I went out with some very supportive friends. And met The Pilot. Who (for all those who are curious) has already called. I'll be seeing him sometime this week.

On Saturday, I went to Woodfield with Lindsey and bought enough clothes to safely say that I've acquired a new wardrobe. Recently, I've glanced into my closet many times and have been unable to find anything that I like enough to want to wear. Friday night this reached an all-time disaster level when my entire closet ended up on my bed/floor while trying to find an appropriate Redmond's outfit. The new wardrobe was also accompanied by 4 pairs of shoes, tons of accessories and a new phone!

Out with the old and in with the new.

Meet Silly

2008-05-04T15:24:00.000-05:00

In my family we name our cars. My new 2007 silver Chevy Aveo hatchback looks similar to that of a cute clown car, thus she has been name Silly.

She is used. But only a year old with less than 11,000 miles.

And big THANK YOU to my Dad for buying me one last car. By the way, he bought Jimmy one too!!

Delete?

2008-05-01T21:04:00.000-05:00

The cell phone gives you one final chance; Delete [insert name of a person from my past]? Cancel or Delete?

I'm feeling that some of my physical barriers and connections to my past are keeping me from moving forward. I also believe they are rendering me incapable of being happy and content with the present.

I'm deleting cell phone numbers of people I no longer talk to. Or those that I know I shouldn't be talking to. Most of my connections to high school and college seem more labored than beneficial. I must reach a point in which I can appreciate a friendship or relationship for what it was, then let it go and move on. Every relationship serves a purpose. However, I have a tendency to hold on long after that purpose has been fulfilled.

I'm also organizing my room, throwing out pictures, sentimental items, knick-knacks, notes, etc. My room is small. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I feel like every surface in my room was built with the purpose of holding complete crap. I want to clean house and open the space up. Improve the chi, if you will. I need to detach from the pictures or the memories they represent. I need to let go of the guilt that has caused me to hold on to sentimental items given long ago for purposes since forgotten. The person that bestowed the gift upon me never has to know that I threw (donated) it away.

I finally took down my trio of prom pictures. What 24 year old still displays pictures of her high school boyfriends?

I've got to separate from the past. I've got to appreciate the present. I've got to let the future unfold.

:-)

2008-04-27T00:48:00.000-05:00

Text messages not initiated by me have been on the rise in recent days. It brings a smile to my face when my friends are making efforts to let me know I am on their mind. A simple, "I hope you are having a nice day," has made my day on more than one occasion this week.

This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!

2008-04-24T16:21:00.000-05:00

The adventures of Lindsey and Joanna. As seen through Lindsey's eyes.

Freedom Ride

2008-04-21T08:32:00.000-05:00

There were several things to celebrate last week. The end of the semester. Warm weather accompanied by bright sunshine. Extra babysitting jobs. And 2 weeks of silence.

The celebrating began Wednesday at noon; lunch with Leah at Rock Bottom, a stroll around the loop, a trip to Borders on State St, a quick visit with my Dad at his office and a lazy couple of hours at Millennium Park with my ipod, my book and my journal.

Then Michael, Michael Motorcycle picked me up. Lower Wacker Driver. 290. Little Italy. Greek Town. Old Town. Clark St. D.O.C. Wine Bar. Home.

The trust, the silence and the scenery involved in being a passenger on a motorcycle have become a favorite pastime of mine. There is no better way to celebrate the start my summer.

TMA (Total Music Appreciation)

2008-04-14T22:06:00.001-05:00

Lindsey took this picture on Easter Sunday. It was intended to give us a family picture with the "new and improved" (skinnier) Dad. My Dad does look much better than he did in the family picture taken on Thanksgiving, but my jaw dropped when I saw this picture. I'm skinner too!!! When I look at myself in the mirror that is not the girl I see. I certainly hope when I'm walking down the street, drinking in the bar or sitting in class that is the girl everyone else sees.

My Dad's "new and improved" lifestyle has yielded another decision. He is selling some of his record albums (LPs) at our next garage sale. My Mom told me the news on Sunday and fighting back tears I asked, "How many is he getting rid of?" My Dad has 4 bookcases full of albums with numbers reaching over 4,000. According to Mom, he was going to get rid of any album he now has on CD or if he ended up with a "best of" album for a band he would get rid of all their other albums. I envisioned the 4,000 albums dwindling to practically nothing. These bookcases have lined one wall of every family room in every house we've ever lived in for my entire life. They've been in the family longer than I have. I was devastated.

As I drove home today to take a picture (yes, a picture) of the albums before they were so senselessly plucked from my life I was informed that it was too late! Luckily, hearing my reaction made my Mother re-think her feelings about the situation. Jimmy's reaction was apparently similar to mine. So, Mom worked her magic and changed my Dad's mind. He still downsized (significantly; he opened up 4 whole shelves) but it wasn't nearly the massacre I was fearing. However, there is no picture to document what the collection had once looked like.

My Dad prides himself on having raised Jimmy and I to have TMA (Total Music Appreciation). So here is some music playing a part in my life right now.

Personalized internet radio. For those days when the shuffle on your itunes it just not landing on anything you are interested in listening to.

August 22, 2008: Going to the Maroon 5, Counting Crows, Sara Bareilles show with Megan.

I was a good girl all weekend

2008-04-13T19:40:00.000-05:00

Friday consisted of two babysitting jobs. And my eventual decision to go to bed instead of joining my comrades (ode to George Orwell's 1984) at Duffy's.

Saturday was spent cleaning my room, IMing Alyssa, studying for ethics and again, a babysitting job. My bed was calling my name at the end of the night, prompting me to turn down Megan's invitation to join her and her new roomies in Chinatown for some karaoke. The stories I heard this morning have since made me regret that decision.

Today was solely devoted to studying for ethics. When the words began blurring and I could feel my eyes crossing, I decided to take a rest and enjoy 20 minutes of solitude in the tanning bed. During my meditative state in the tanning bed, I realized I had reached an important milestone.

Yesterday marked one week since we ("poison" and I) exchanged in our last set of text messages and it was one week ago today that I sent my final e-mail. One week.

My reward to myself was a $20 bottle of Syrah. I was a good girl all weekend; making decisions based on my financial and academic needs. CBT supports rewards and although I don't ascribe to that theoretical orientation, I'm not above using it's ideas when it serves me.

The wine is delicious. And with every sip I am thankful for my strength.

One week will soon turn into two. What shall I reward myself with then?

Bruised

2008-04-13T00:33:00.000-05:00

As a psychodynamically oriented person, I strongly believe in psychological symptoms converting into physical ones. Conversion or Somatization.

My physical bruise is a reflection of my emotional one.

I fell on the stairs (an obstacle I've had a love/hate relationship with my entire life) on Friday. The bruise that resulted is insanely painful and I do not believe that the pictures do justice to how absolutely disgusting it looks. I think that unconsciously I fell and caused physical harm to (at least temporarily) bring my attention towards something other than the boy.

Unfortunately, the pain that ensues while I'm sitting has not only caused me to momentarily forget about the boy, it is also making it incredibly difficult to focus while studying for my ethics final.

My mom says the reason the bruise resulted at all was because I've lost weight and subsequently have lost some of my "cushioning." Thanks Mom.

My mantra

2008-04-11T15:12:00.000-05:00

"I did it once. I can do it again." My recent mantra. I tell myself this in the mirror in the morning, right before I slip into a dream state at night, and anytime in between when I think about making contact with the person who has now been dubbed "poison" in my life. In early December, my "posion" situation was playing out exactly as it is now. I managed to cease all contact back then, and even met a new guy (Safety-net; whom I ended up dating for about a month and a half), but "poison" crept back into my life. I opened the door for him, thinking it would end differently this time. Nothing has changed (other than my ability to have "relationship talks"). So it's time to cease all communications with "poison" once again. His phone number has been deleted and the last (unresponded to) e-mail was sent on Sunday. I stopped talking once before. I can stop talking again.

"Poison" will find me though. On the "L" platform." On the 22 bus. At the same Cubs games. This city is huge! And he seems to be everywhere in it. Sitting (unnoticed) right in front of him on the bus, frozen with fear, I internally repeated over and over again, "I did it once. I can do it again." I reached my destination without contact. I walked into D.O.C. and told my wine companion about the "encounter," but then proceeded with the rest of the night as though nothing unusual had happened. No urge to send him a text inquiring, "Were you on the 22 at 8:30?" No late night call placed in a wine drinking fog. Just one journal entry.

I did it once. I can do it again.

This morning, as I went about my (new) morning routine of a 30 minute walk and a 20 minute tanning session, it occurred to me that this mantra represents so much more than my ability to leave "poison" behind. Summer of 2006, I joined weight watchers and lost 17 pounds. I did it once. I can do it again. Junior year of college, I was regularly waking up at 5 to go to a 6 am spinning class before I started my day. I did it once. I can do it again. I found a picture of myself as a freshmen in high school and I had (what I consider) long hair! For years now, I had convinced myself that my hair did not grow long and that I was destined to have the same (face-fattening) hairstyle for the rest of my life. Apparently, I did it once. I can do it again.

Timing

2008-04-07T09:02:00.000-05:00

It has been 3 weeks since I swallowed the hot bitter substance better known as coffee or felt the bubbles of pop tickle my throat. However yesterday I folded on the pork thing. I was at the Cubs game and starving for lunch, when the hot dog man magically appeared in my aisle. I ate one hot dog, which is actually not a food I ever really enjoy, but I guess desperate times call of desperate measures. Saturday night at a fabulously delicious dinner I managed to order my bacon wrapped steak without the bacon, but there I go the very next day eating a ball park frank at the ball park. So, I fell off the horse, but I will get right back up and no more pork for me.

Timing is everything!

Psychologically and physically, 3 weeks ago may not have been the best time to embark on this journey. I am uncomfortable making excuses, hence the avoidance of writing a blog in several weeks. However, I still find them rolling off my tongue despite myself.

In the movie, Clueless, Cher shares with her teacher that her tardy the previous week was because, "I was surfing the crimson wave." For me the "crimson wave" appeared during week 2 of the "diet," reeking havoc on my body and causing my weight to fluctuate in ways that would have encouraged anyone to believe that the changes they were making were, in essence, not helping. I still have not added exercise into my daily routine, basically because I'm lazy. So as of right now. the lowest weight I have reached in these past 3+ weeks is 167.7.

Psychologically, I have realized how important food and alcohol are in my ability to comfort myself when I'm upset. While trying to give up alcohol for a month, I learned from a best buddy some news that made me unjustly mad at several people. I came home that day and shared with the roommate that all I wanted was some wine. Something wrong with that picture? Well I had given up alcohol and (although I later broke that promise too) I was determined to stick to it at that point. So I sat down and came up with a different plan. I knew I was mad at these people for my own reasons, really nothing having to do with them. These poor people were all in a no win situation. Thanks to my awareness I made the decision to just stay away from those people until I had processed my problems with the situation and had gotten over being mad at them (for basically no reason whatsoever). I did all this without taking a sip of alcohol. I have since been in the presence of all those people and no anger surfaced at all.

The alcohol quickly returned to my life. My decision when it comes to giving that up (even if it only is for 30 days) is that I'm just not ready to let it go. The first sip occurred while out with "the boy." It wasn't his fault, it was mine. I will, however, blame him for some of the other times, since that fateful night, that I have consumed copious amounts of alcohol. He isn't doing everything "right" and when my feelings get hurt I decide to numb the pain (unsuccessfully; the tears still inevitably come) with beer or wine. I am, however, starting to realize that my definition of "right" is still my own issue. So, it's time, again, to sit down and come up with a solution to the anger and hurt that includes something other than alcohol.

Also, I want to share with you:
The books I'm reading to motivate and inspire my life changes.
And my thanks to special friends; Michael, Alyssa, Cindy Fey and Lindsey

All aboard the support train

2008-03-18T19:16:00.000-05:00

Cindy Fey, the most wonderful "employer" to ever grace this earth, opened the door this morning to greet me and amongst crying children still asked with genuine interest, "how are you?" Of course, the exciting news to have emerged in the last several days was my decision to embark on this journey. I told her all about the book, politely titled in front of her children, "skinny rhymes with witch." We had several brief discussions throughout the morning and early afternoon about the information I had learned from the book and how I was planning on going about all of this. I even told her about the blog.

One conversation took place at Dunkin Donuts, where Cindy, having done this before, began to order me a black coffee. I stopped her mid-sentence and told her it was among the first things that I had given up. I explained that the book suggested organic decaf green tea and that on my next shopping trip I would be on a treasure hunt to find it. Several hours later, I'm pouring myself and her lovely daughters into the car when low and behold there are 2 boxes of organic decaf green tea waiting for me on my seat. The Easter Bunny had made an early stop for me.

Before the discovery of the tea, but after the Dunkin Donuts trip, Cindy and I engaged in another conversation that started out by discussing the amazing progress my dad has been making (for anyone keeping tabs, he's lost 52 pounds!). This conversation transitioned quickly into my hope that the American Heart Association would become my charity of choice and that if I could get myself trained I would like to do a 5K run/walk. While cutting noodles into manageable pieces for her youngest daughter she looks over at me and nonchalantly says, "well if you do that we would absolutely love to sponsor you."

A study date last night yielded another opportunity for me to talk about my hope for my future. I told this friend (who has witnessed me at some of my most drunken moments) that I was abstaining from alcohol for one month. He was totally supportive and even said that he would do it with me!!

Support is coming from the most amazing places. The only challenger I foresee is the one residing in me. Everyone else seems to be on board.

The book, the bet, the beginning and the blog

2008-03-16T16:02:00.000-05:00

One of my dad's co-workers gave him the book "Skinny Bitch" to read while recovering. I think it was more just for shits and giggles, because it is clearly geared toward women. Dad never read the book, mom only briefly started it and then it somehow landed in my lap. This past Thursday night I couldn't sleep (it had been a very emotionally taxing day), so I read the whole thing. It was an easy read and I couldn't put it down, everything they said was making perfect sense and it is written in such a way that makes me feel like it was my friends giving me no-nonsense reasons to get my ass in gear. The book promotes a vegan lifestyle and gives very compelling reasons why to live that way. I am going to very slowly progress that way; taking something away each week.

Ben, the ever supportive best friend that he is, said that obviously he will support me in whatever I want to do but that he bets $20 I won't be a vegan in one year. I took the bet. By St. Patrick's Day next year I will have to have been a vegan for 3 months in order for me to collect the prize. Making the bet just pushes me further into wanting to do this, I don't think he realizes that. However, it's not some HUGE amount of money that if for whatever reason I can't remain vegan I won't cry about having to pay it.

Things began immediately. Friday morning, I gave up coffee and pop. Going as far as throwing away the coffee canister and bottle of sprite that were still residing in my apartment. I did partake in beer consumption yesterday in honor of St. Patrick's Day, but as of this morning I'm vowing to abstain from alcohol for at least a month. I don't want to give it up forever, but for right now I'm looking forward to getting it all out of my body and cleansing myself of some serious toxins. I think my next step will be to stop consuming pork products. We'll see how the week unfolds.

I'm going to chronicle my changes and adventures on the blog. I'm hoping that something as public as this will hold me accountable so that I can finally get myself in gear and stay there. Below is what I looked like this morning and 169.5 pounds. I'm planning on weighing myself daily but I think that I'll only publish pictures once a week. My goal weight is 130 pounds but I'm going to ask you, my fellow bloggers, to help me with something. If I begin to look unhealthy before I get to that point let me know. I want to be skinny (and healthy) and 130 pounds still sounds heavy to me but the truth is it's a long way from where I am now and I don't actually know how it will look on me. So keep me motivated, remind me of my bet with Ben, give me pointers about exercise routines (done at home, I can't afford a gym membership), support me, and most importanly tell me if I've taken it one step to far.
Wish me luck! It's beginning now!

The pursuit of balance

2007-12-04T11:09:00.001-06:00

In the last year or so, my life's goal has been to find and maintain balance in my life. This has so much been my goal that I've thought of getting a ying-yang symbol tattooed on my body to remind me the importance of remaining balance.

The problem that has occured thusfar is that I"m finding one pot completely full and the other completely depleted. No balance!! I'll give the most recent example, a couple of weeks ago I was on cloud 9 about a certain boy. Things were going great he was doing everything right, we were seeing eachother often but school and practicum were a serious struggle for me. I wasn't comfortable at my practicum site and I felt like I had no idea what I was doing on a school assignment. The next week rolled around and I was feeling more confident at practicum and I got my assignment back with positive comments, but things with the boy were going downhill fast. When will both things be on the upside at the same time, so I can finally have balance in the various aspects of my life.

Here is another problem, Sunday is an example of how the good always comes with the bad. I will admit that it is a blessing that I have the ability to recognize both and not let one (the bad one) cloud the good. I was asked to be a teacher's assistant for my favorite teacher for my favorite class next year. This is the best news I ever could have asked for. But then about an hour later the above mentioned boy was supposed to meet me for lunch and ended up having to cancel. Did I mention that we haven't seen eachother in a month?

What's frustrating about not seeing the boy is the fact that he was working upstairs in the same building in which I was at class. He has this incredible new job that I have no way of competing with. It's hard for me to be understanding of the time constraints that work puts on him because him and I haven't even had the opportunity to talk about what work is like for him. I can't respect something I know nothing about!! And the other bothersome thing is that when he cancels he never offers an alternative. Actually it's not bothersome, I just realized it's his easy way of letting me go. He can cancel and not schedule something else in the hopes that I will stop trying to schedule things. And now that I'm writing this out and seeing my own thoughts in front of me. I'm not going to schedule anything else. Obviously he doesn't want to be with me and I've just got to accept that and move on.

I have balance right now...unfortunately it's in the negative. I'm feeling down about school because my finals are insane and I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'm obviously feeling down about the boy.

I guess balance doesn't always mean that everything is going right.

This is what results from an everyday conversation with Stanley

2007-11-29T13:29:00.000-06:00

Well, several things have crossed my mind about my past interests.
1. I always fall to fast...I've gotta learn to control my emotions better- that is never their fault
2. I always hear what I want to hear- either pay attention to only the positive or only the negative; I can't integrate both
3. I honestly think my expectations are too high, relationships are work and I can't expect the guys to be doing all the work and me to be doing none. I've gotta leave my old fashioned mentality behind.
4. I've gotta prioritize all aspects of my life and STICK TO IT. Never let the boy become #1, which I do all to often.

They can't buy a break

2007-11-26T21:04:00.001-06:00

My cousin, Stevie, used that quote on Saturday afternoon when talking about the horror show that was the Florida State Seminoles vs. Florida Gators game. For those of you who don't follow college football or more specifically my Noles, he was expressing this because we were losing, losing badly and could not seem to do anything to recover and at least muster some style points while being slaughtered.

But the quote struck me...it seems to apply perfectly to my current relationship situation. I've been single for (in my opinion) too long and then I finally met someone who I was attracted to, could carry an intelligent conversation with, enjoyed being around and missed when we were apart, and so on a so forth. It was fun and it was going well. Then he got a new job. A great new job that has time commitments way beyond what I can even comphrend. His job is more time consuming then my doctorate program, something I never thought was possible. So in short, in this case, the timing wasn't right. We hadn't been in a "relationship" long enough to withstand not seeing eachother or talking to each other so it essentially ended. He came into my life, then the job came into his and the timing of everything plucked him back out of my life.

When it comes to my life I can't buy a break.